I’ll take the bait, Tinder guy. I’ll answer your tawdry “Would You Rather” questions.
First up: Jizz.
No contest here. You take that load right in the belly button. That way, if you’re the kind of person who deems being covered in jizz a shower-able offense, you only have to get wet from the belly button down. Plus, looking at it from a chick’s perspective, there’s a lot of post-shower maintenance for wet hair.
YOUR index finger gets cut off or MY index finger gets cut off? Because if it’s yours, grab the cleaver, homes, your digits mean nothing to me. If it’s mine, line up some dog poop. Be kind, though, make it the little frozen brick-like turds that are all over New York City right now.
I am a big fan of chili. That is all.
Monica and Zoey’s alcohol dependance issues are hottttt.
Me? I’d quit drinking. Because I can’t imagine a scenario where I’m drunk with “It’s A Small World” stuck playing in my head and I don’t pull out a gun and paint the fucking walls with my brains.
Give me arms and legs. After you get married having a huge dick is wildly overrated…says the guy who doesn’t have a huge dick in the first place.
Had to look it up, but… “a donkey show is a type of sexual performance most often associated with Tijuana, Mexico, in which a woman engages in bestiality with a donkey.”
Damn. Fuck a donkey or get fucked in the ass. This is a hard pass on all accounts.
Nicole has opinions. STRONG opinions.
I don’t want to eat a child, never have, so I’ll gladly switch genders. Most of my sneezes generally come in twos so I’d only be a chick for like 2 seconds. Just enough time to flick my bean.
Goddammit. I hate mayonnaise. But last I checked Dick Simmons is probably going to croak soon, so I’ll go with the spooning. Plus, he’ll definitely give me a chunk of his fortune when he dies. My bedside manner is that money, ladies.
I’d find a way to live with the bad Wifi. And that “way” will be because I’ll be too busy boning Watson day-in and day-out to waste my time on the Internet.
I’ll take option C where I sit in the audience and watch Kanye be the middle of a human centipede while he’s forced to eat mayonnaise off the HUGE dick of a guy with no arms and no legs who, later in the performance, will jizz rope after rope into Kanye’s hair.