This review is like something out of a deleted scene from Eurotrip. I could see it now: the gang stumbles into what they think is a regular nightclub only to witness gay sex acts, like one dude having three-fourths of his arm up another dude’s asshole. (Note: I don’t go to nightclubs, but I’m guessing arm sodomy isn’t the new norm.) Then, after a series of other hilarious mishaps like a bathroom glory hole or a drunken bicurious moment, the gang emerges from the club forever changed. But still somehow thankful for the experience.
Anyway, as the story goes, this guy Kyle from Texas got to talking to two dudes from London at his hotel bar in Berlin. One thing leads to another and Kyle is on his way to “World’s coolest nightclub.” Little does Kyle know, what happens inside this nightclub is probably going to scar him for at least a few months.
On to the very detailed Yelp review:
Please excuse the long review, but I’m going to share with you my experience at Berghain. I was in Berlin a couple weeks ago and I was sitting in my hotel bar. I started chatting with a couple guys from London. They seemed normal and told me they were getting ready to head to the worlds coolest night club. I figure it’s Saturday night…what the hell. So I ask them if I can tag along. They said no problem. One of them informs me that I should probably change clothes because this place is hard to get into, but they had a connection. They recommended that I go change into black, simple clothes. No buttons on the shirts and no hoodies. They said if I had a black scarf, that would be awesome. Said the door guy loves scarves and black clothes. So I go change and come back down to the lobby. We hail a cab and are now off to this place called Berghain.
Upon arriving…I see this super long line that’s leading into what looks like a commercial building of some sort. I’d liken it to a warehouse. It’s not inviting at all. The guys from London tell me we are going to cut in line. While we are standing there looking for the spot to cut, I take out my phone to check Facebook. One of the London guys goes into a rage and starts cussing me out and grabs my phone. Yelling…”DON’T LOOK AT YOUR PHONE. DON’T USE IT!” “THEY WON’T LET US IN!”…Anyway…we get to the front of the line and there’s this creepy looking, older guy with ear rings–face tats and spikes in his lips. Supposedly he’s some type of guru in the club scene. He’s a weird guy and yes he had a scarf on. He looks me up and down and then waves us in using his pinky…Now things are about to get really weird.
Once inside, the music is blasting too loud. You could feel it in your chest. I thought the bass was going to set my heart off rhythm. I tell the two guys from London…”Let’s go get a beer!”…They look at me like I am crazy. They offer me these strange looking little pills and I pass. No drugs for me. They both pop them and then start making out! I’m not talking about a little kiss or a peck, I’m talking open-mouth, tongue kissing. It was very aggressive/disturbing kissing. I didn’t even know these dudes were gay! I look around and there are 3 or 4 naked guys dancing all crazy with erections. I decide to go get a beer and I tell myself—maybe I’m in the wrong part of the club? Maybe this is the gay section. Nope. The whole club is the gay section!
On the way to grab a beer, I pass in disbelief, a bearded guy butt fucking the crap out of another bearded dude. You could smell feces and sweat. I take my eyes off of that situation and it only gets worse. There’s another guy, and I kid you not…he’s got his arm, almost to his elbow, up another guys ass! I thought it was a magic trick or an illusion. It WASN’T! The guy that’s basically getting impaled is enjoying it! I saw one guy getting tag teamed (double penetration style) by 2 guys! I said to hell with this…I’m out of here! As I’m leaving, I remember that one of those Londoner’s has my phone. So I need to go to find him.
Now there are naked guys everywhere! Sucking each other off. Fisting each other. There was one dude that was riding another guy (cowgirl style) and yelling “Balles Tief!” “Balles Tief!”…I ask the dude next to me…”What’s he screamin?!”…He informs “Balles Tief” is German for “Balls Deep”…
This Nazi looking guy comes up to me with a syringe and acts like he’s going to stick me with it. I jump back and think about beating the shit out of him and he starts laughing and in very bad English says “You vant chemical to keep wake and make you high?”…As I’m saying “NO!”…a loud siren/whistle starts blowing and the whole club starts going bananas! I ask this guy who looks like a vampire…”What the hell is that? Is there a fire or terrorist or something?”…He does this weird giggle and say’s the siren means it’s “Slip and Slide time!”…100’s of guys, the ones that aren’t already naked, drop there pants and start masturbating on the dance floor. Evidently, you are supposed to ejaculate on the floor and make it slippy and then naked guys go sliding through it! WTF! I look back and that vampire looking dude is jerking off in my direction. I throw a beer bottle at him and start hauling ass out of there.
I run past this one guy that seems to be injured and he’s asking for help. I’m a pretty nice guy, so I ask what happened. He bends over and you can see this silicone/rubber looking object barely protruding out of his butt. You could barely see it. He then explains that he had shoved a rubber arm with fist up there and it was stuck! This guy thinks I’m going to help pull it out?!? Get the fuck out of here!
I finally get to the exit and I yell to that weirdo door man “YOU SICK BASTARD!”…I hail a cab and make it back to my hotel. That was my experience at the “worlds coolest night club”..I can handle a lot of stuff, but this place was WAY over the top. I will not be back. Never.
Rough night, Kyle. But I would argue you made it rougher by not leaving immediately. So all the sex and arm sodomy you witnessed…that’s on you bro.
[H/T Death And Taxes]