The ideal lunch as a kid was two slices of leftover pizza, a Capri Sun, a pack of Dunkaroos, and a snack pack pudding. Whenever my mom packed me this power lunch, snot-nosed assholes would come out of the woodwork looking to trade their granola bars or apples or other health conscious rubbish for my well-balanced meal. In my entire middle school career, I never heard an offer enticing enough to cough up any of it. Fuck your Lunchables. Here’s me, minus the whole little bitch part…
As we grow older and the stresses of life drives us into a life of substance abuse, our lunch preferences change a bit. A well-balanced lunch nowadays consists of two slices of pizza, a 40 ounce, and a cigarette.
That’s why when 17-year-old McKenzie Strange got a special surprise in her lunch bag from her clueless mother, I was more envious than a mentally stable person should be.
McKenzie shared this text exchange with her mom following the revelation.
I drink a lot of alcohol. I drink one Four Loko and I’m texting all my exes and funding my chest trying to fight a statue. Those things are liquid blackout. Well worth the cancer they’ll eventually give you. If I drank one of these at lunch in high school I’d probably streak naked through gym class. Sad state of affairs that McKenzie is old enough to know what Four Lokos are but not old enough to pack her own lunch.
[h/t Some eCards]