How To Break Up With Your Girlfriend Gracefully (Or At Least So She Doesn’t Slash Your Tires)

by 5 years ago
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You may be thinking, “What is this chick rambling on about? There is no such thing as a graceful breakup.”  Well, to be blunt, you’re wrong, and I’m right. There is absolutely such a thing as a graceful breakup. In fact, I bet by the end of this article you’ll know how to break up with your girlfriend and leave her JUST because this advice was so solid (don’t do that—I just got a little carried away with the inspirational opener.)

Look, I get it–breaking up with another human being is difficult. Dare I say it’s harder than being the one who gets left, but that doesn’t mean you have to make it worse by handling it like a complete asshat. I’m sure most of you Bros don’t watch Sex and The City, or fuck it, maybe you do. Who am I to perpetuate gender stereotypes? Anyway, back to SATC: essentially Carrie is dating this guy in one episode and he breaks up with her on a post-it. Literally, just leaves her a note, and peaces out. That, for example, is NOT the route to take.

Things not to do also include: a text message, Facebook message, or email. A phone call is also pretty shitty of you. Oh, in no way should you simply avoid breaking up with her altogether and move onto another girl hoping she takes the hint…that will get you shanked, and rightfully so.

You need to approach this like a gentleman. I know that may seem like a foreign concept to some of you but it’s something that you can easily fake — if need be.

The reason women are more successful in handling men than visa versa is because we have the capacity to put ourselves in your shoes (also we have boobs.)  Don’t get me wrong, there are times when I don’t understand you men for shit, but there are other times when I’m entirely capable of adopting your mindset. For example: Let’s say I want my boyfriend/male-friend/someone with a penis to help me move furniture, but he’s being lazy playing Mario Kart or some shit and says he’ll do it when he feels like it. I have two options, I can respect that he’s “busy,” or I can start fucking with his psyche. I can say two things.

One: “That’s okay, I’ll ask *insert different guy’s name*, he’s better with this sort of stuff anyway,”

Two: “Come on, don’t make me ask *insert different guy’s name, he’s not as strong as you!”  

Men and their egos—it’s a love story for the ages. Whether you’re bruising their ego or stroking it, it’s a pretty solid tactic and most women know how to use that. Is it manipulative? Not really. It’s like studying for a test and acing it.

Now, in order to breakup with a woman you need to become the woman, meaning that you need to figure out how her brain works, much like women learn how the male brain works and use that to their advantage. See the correlation here?

Now I’m going to tell you how to break up with your girlfriend:

For starters, if you’re breaking up with a chick, chances are she already senses it. We’re like German Shepherds at LAX during Coachella weekend, except in this analogy we don’t smell copious of amounts of cocaine, but rather your slow and steady detachment.

This isn’t a bad thing! In fact, be fucking thankful for this intuition. She’s already started mentally preparing herself, I promise. When she asks you why you’ve been “distant” don’t bullshit her, but don’t flat out say “Because I don’t love you anymore, bitch.” As for how to break up with your girlfriend, go with this:

“There’s been a lot on my mind and I feel as if things are getting out of control. I’m not entirely sure of the direction my life is going in and it’s unclear to me what my future holds. I’m not saying I don’t want you to be a part of that future, I’m just not so certain that I can get to where I need to be while in a relationship. It seems like something I need to do on my own. You’re so much more put together than I am. I want to be able to feel like an equal in this relationship”

What did you just say?

  1. You spoke like a civilized human and not some fuckboy on Tumblr (10 points)
  2. You’re showing vulnerability in being unsure of your future (20 points)
  3. You’re sugarcoating just a bit by saying that she MAY be a part of your future (30 points)
  4. You aren’t mentioning wanting to fuck other girls, but just wanting to be on your own (40 points)
  5. You said she’s better than you (1,000 fucking points)

She is 100% going to argue with you on this. She’s going to suggest that she will be supportive and that the two of you can work on yourselves separately, while still being together. She KNOWS that isn’t true. She’s just getting desperate, but you have to keep appealing to her logic. Women, contrary to popular belief, will stop arguing when they know there’s nothing more to say.  We recognize when someone is making perfect sense and we will concede…eventually.

It’s entirely possible that the mock-speech I provided you with above is entirely true. You’re in your 20s. If you DON’T feel unsure of yourself, then you’re a dick AND a liar. Maybe I just put into words what you couldn’t…..or maybe you just really don’t want to be with your girlfriend anymore and you want to fuck as many chicks as possible before settling down, in which case, I just gave you the perfect, eloquent out on how to break up with your girlfriend. You’re welcome.


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