What Do Chicks Think About Guys Who Go Tanning? Plus Last Minute Gifts for the Lady in Your Life

Q: I'll keep it quick and concise.

I'm milky, north pole white. I go tanning once a week just to not be pale. I don't do it every day or every other day to be beach tan brown. I go once every 7 days just to be not see through/vampirish white.

Male tanning: Your thoughts?

A: My first thoughts: Guido.

My second thoughts: No, not guido; that movie where that albino guy gets struck by lightning and lives in a basement…

My third thought: Among many others, is that you have zero regard for the following; a budget, skin cancer, that really weird tanning bed smell, sanitation in general.

I'm really not trying to shit on you here. You requested my thoughts, and as it goes, they're mostly not positive. 

To flip things in the other direction, I sympathize (not empathize, because I'm naturally bronzed) with your desire to maintain some base color. It's self-aware and I guess somewhat admirable…if I'm being generous. Being ultra pale was never sexy or in fashion, nor will it ever be. Pale is not the new tan.

Alas, such are genetics and skin pigmentation and there's just not a lot you can do about it. So frankly despite your efforts, and despite the fact that I've never seen you, I'd venture to guess that you're tanning habits do not go unnoticed. 

I'm envisioning a tint similar to the zest of an orange peel, or perhaps the skin of a chicken.

Give it up. You are who you are and your skin…is what it is. 

Q: I made an OKCupid account and messaged the hottest chick I saw. She responds deflecting her interest saying “I like your cat picture” blah blah. Few dates go by, keep it causal, a little kissing here and there, second base (wtf is this high school? I’m 24). Third date or so I spend the night at her house. No sex. Few weekends go by, I have plans out of town, she has plans out of town, etc. One weekend I'm out of town, bored, drunk and in my hotel room. I send a text basically saying: do we still talk or not really? No response. So I drop it. Two weeks later I'm driving around for work and I happen to drive by where she works. I send a text, instant response. We exchanged a few conversations over the next day. She even went as far as apologizing for “falling off a cliff. I do that sometimes” and agrees we should hang out again. Naturally I decide to solicit another date. Girl goes AWOL again.

It's weeks later but I’m dying for a BABE to shed some light on WTF happened? 

I'm always moving forward but this one’s got me thinking in the past. 

A: I think probably you're hot, but annoying. That's just my initial reaction. She clearly gives zero shits as to the status of your “relationship”, and doesn't see it going anywhere. Hence how you ended up where you are right now– sitting bitch. (Also, you have a cat picture? Don't hate it, but a little weird.)

You can probably blame her improved response time after a few weeks of no communication on her short-term memory loss of how not fun it is to be around you. That happens. You spend some time apart from a dude and think, “Maybe he wasn't so terrible. We should hang out again.”

And then when you make the mistake of doing so, you're like, “God DAMMIT, my memory is bad. This guy is literally the worst.”

If you really think that you aren't annoying, its also possible you just have a small dick. She likes you okay but when it comes to committing to another notch on her belt, your tiny tim just doesn't make the cut. 

Yes, this is a thing. You only get so many rungs before you have to loosen your belt.

In short, you're SOL. Chalk it up to shitty circumstances and throw in the towel, because this one simply is not coming around.

Q: I need last-minute advice for my sister's Christmas gift. What to give a girl that literally has everything??

A: So you're related to “that girl”. Not ideal, not unsolvable. 

A girl who can be classified by a dude as “someone who has everything” has surprisingly low expectations in the originality department.

They literally own all the things they desire, so they don't expect anyone to gift anything other-worldly, heart-warming or surprising.

This is to your advantage; take it and run.

While a charitable donation in her name may leave a foul taste in her mouth, a Saks gift certificate will certainly strike her fancy.
Massage at her favorite salon? Perfect.

When it comes to the shallow, don't bother trying to beat em — just give em what they want. 

Q: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost three years now, met her family, been to her house, the whole deal. But we've never spent Christmas together. This year she is really pushing me to spend it with her family (about a three hour drive away from my house) which is a pretty big commitment but my family is big on Christmas at our place. What's the protocol for who goes where? Do you switch off or try to make it work?

A: First of all I'll say you're lucky to even have the driving option.  For many couples it takes a while to realize that going to Pasadena and New Canaan in one day just isn't gonna work out– somebody's got to compromise. Usually no one wants to, so you have to strategize ahead of time. You'll agree to Christmas at her place if next Easter and Thanksgiving are spent with hers. Maybe you also plan a timeout where it's agreed upon to sacrifice time together in favor of time with your respective families. Don't lose sight of the fact that you're (presumably) young and new to this particular relationship, so don't feel pressured to jump into immediate family visits. If you're serious about this girl you'll have years upon years of lengthy, painful hours and celebrations with that same crowd. So don't rush it. 

And don't black out at the dinner table.

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