I Wrote A Letter To Santa Claus, Because That’s Obviously Something An Adult Should Do

Dear Santa Claus,

I’ve always felt that a freshly penned letter has a much more personal touch, but I’m typing this at work unbeknownst to my co-workers, so forgive me that this letter isn’t hand written.

Anyway, what’s up, man? Guess it’s been about a year since I last wrote, how have you been? Saw you in that Under Armour commercial the other day, looks like you’ve been hitting the weights hard. Looking good, man. Everything has been good with me though. I’ve been a good boy this year-I think. I haven’t gotten fired from my job yet, I kinda crushed it this summer, and on Thanksgiving, my aunt told me I looked more grown up than last year. Big win in my book. However you slice it, looks like you can save the coal this year. You won’t be needing any at my household.

Real talk though, not sure why you’re still giving out stockings full of coal to all the shitheads. I know a guy who trades coal for a living. He sucks and no one really likes him, but that motherfucker makes straight BANK. If you really want to punish all the bad kids, I’d maybe try iTunes gift cards? Thanks to those Chinese hackers and incredibly lax piracy laws, those things are essentially worthless.

Getting back on track here, I guess this is the part where I tell you what I really want for Christmas. Nothing really comes to mind, so I guess I’ll just ask for world peace and to be surrounded by those that I love the most…

JUST KIDDING! Had you going there didn’t I, Kringle? You’re not getting off that easy. Pretty sure that’s just something poor people made up to make their Christmases seem better. Don’t get me wrong, that stuff is important and all, but I need to see some hardware under the tree when I get up Christmas morning. This year, I’m really jonesing for a new computer. My personal laptop has seen better days, which is a real liability since I’m trying to get this writing thing off the ground. Yea, I have my work laptop, but I can’t watch porn on that because, well, you know. Maybe even throw in a free Brazzers subscription and like a grand for my Bovada account as stocking stuffers? Great!

While we’re at it, how about a new job too? I’ve been at my current one for about a year now and it’s kind of starting to wear on me. Our intern has more responsibility than I do and if I have to hear one more Christmas carol or NPR broadcast from the guy that sits behind me, I’m going headlong off the deep end. Get this, the other day I found out my boss has a spreadsheet to figure out how many pizzas to order for the office holiday party. I’m talking pivot tables, functions, advanced equations, the works. Can you believe that? Square city.

Well, that’s pretty much all I got. I left you a shot of Fireball and a pack of cigs on the kitchen counter if you want them. Never really understood the whole milk and cookies thing. Heard the Mrs. wants you to slim down a bit, plus a tall glass of milk and a sleeve of Chips Ahoy before a cross-country trip is just downright irresponsible.

Give ‘em hell out there, man.

Your friend,


PS- Tell Rudolph to check himself because if that motherfucker shits on my roof again, I’ll be serving venison for dinner next Christmas, if you catch my drift.