After work, I went to play ball on the mean streets of the West Side Highway (note: not that mean), and some enterprising individual went into my bag and took out my phone and roughly $4 cash.
We’re a part of a generation that is been-to-rehab-8-times addicted to technology, so losing your phone really fucking sucks.
I went to the police station and filed a police report, which was the most useless thing I’ve ever done because the NYPD have things like drugs and murder and not caring about Wall Street fraud to worry about. I thought I might be saved by the Find My iPhone service on iCloud, but no, because fuck you, Apple.
I have since received my phone back through insurance. (I’m still on a family plan. I’m clearly killing it.). But I wanted to share some of my trials and tribulations during this dark time in my life.
I asked someone what time it was
Why in the world would one human need to ask another human for the current time? I’m relatively sure that nobody’s done this in the past 15 years. I had a meeting to go to, and I thought I was a bit early. I went into a store and, seeing that it was bereft of clocks, asked an employee for the time. This unassuming dude could not have been more confused when I asked him. I’m pretty sure he quickly chuckled when I asked, and you know what? That’s totally legit. If some jerk-off came up to me and asked what time it was, I’d question that person’s sanity.
I used my roommate’s work phone as an alarm
I don’t own an alarm clock. Who the fuck owns an alarm clock? But, as the bill-paying bro I am, I needed to get up for work. Hat in hand, I borrowed my roommate’s BlackBerry so I could use the alarm. Please note that BlackBerrys are about the most unfriendly piece of technology available. He’s also a #financebro and was receiving emails from India all night long. Why did business hours in India have to coincide with my dream involving me, Scarlett Johansson, and a leisure cruise on an Italian lake? It’s not enough for them to take our jobs, now they have to steal our dreams?
I took shits without my phone
This was the fucking worst. I never want to do this again. What was I supposed to do, carry a newspaper with me? Bring a book? Or, even worse, just sit there in my thoughts? I don’t recommend just sitting there in your thoughts. It’s terrifying.
I used a notebook to write down ideas
I do a lot of my thinking for these clearly well-thought-out articles on the subway or just randomly when out, and I usually use my iPhone’s Notepad to write down ideas. During this 24-hour period, I, like a caveman, resorted to actual pen and paper. Some writers will say that this is the best way to keep track of ideas, but you have to understand that I have quite possibly the worst handwriting in the world. I can’t even read it.
I thought about hiring a day laborer to write notes for me, but I’m pretty poor and don’t have a huge interest in breaking labor laws right now.
If you need evidence that my handwriting is at a preschool level, see below:
I was convinced everyone I knew was trying to contact me
I didn’t go on Facebook and put up a status saying, “Hey guys. Lost my phone! If you need to reach me send me a message” because I have a dick.
I did, however, have a constant worry that I was missing out on great plans being made by my friends and texts from hot girls who wanted to sex me. In reality, I had a text from my dad reminding me to call my sister on her birthday and a text from Verizon with the temporary password to get into my account. I’m still convinced there are messages that haven’t come through yet.
The moral of the story: Don’t lose your iPhone.
Also, have better handwriting than me.