Listen To The Sheer Panic In This Man’s Voice As He Calls 911 After A Cat Ate His Bacon

The word “emergency” is very subjective. We’ve found out in recent days that one lion being killed is definitely an emergency, but 4 million human refugees not so much an emergency. So in this wacky society, who am I to ridicule this gentleman who phoned emergency services because a cat ate his bacon.

The West Yorkshire Police in the U.K. receive hundreds of time-wasting calls each year, including the time someone asked a dispatcher at 2 a.m., “Who was the actor that played Magnum P.I.?” While this emergency had no trivia about mustachioed hunks from the 80s, it was far more dire of a situation.

A possibly inebriated, definitely famished fella dialed 999 (Britain’s equivalent of 911) to plead to authorities of his immediate crisis; a cat gobbled up his fatty, greasy, delectable bacon. In the time he could have made more delightful bacon, he called police to inform them that his girlfriend gave a cat his bacon.

“I want to press charges,” the distressed caller states. When asked if he wanted charges of bacon theft pressed on the girlfriend or the cat, the very hungry man simply said, “Both.” Of course, the wife is an accomplice to aiding and abetting a crime.

Have you ever made scrambled eggs and bacon only to have someone steal your delectable bacon away? Seems like an emergency to me. Let those bacon-thieving fucks rot away in jail, I say. They’re just lucky that the worst that happened was an innocent call to emergency services.