Like A Spurned Lover, McDonald’s Wants To Win You Back By Literally Changing Everything About Itself

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We’ve all done it, and we’ve all regretted it, because there is nothing more desperate than a Bro who, after he’s been dumped, does everything in his power to win his girl back.

Curbing drinking and quitting smoking and stopping womanizing, while all well and good on their own, are down right embarrassing done as efforts to impress the love who left you.

It’s like, come on Bro. Chill.

McDonald’s has been dumped. By most of us. But instead of moving on and fucking some dumpsters to get back in the game — in this metaphor continuing to sell cheap, unhealthy cuisine to the nation’s poorest people is banging trash — it wants to show us that “I can change, baby.”

“Please, please, please believe me,” the brand desperately whimpers through heavy sobs.

Just how will McDonald’s make you love them again? By no longer being McDonald’s. In a 23-minute video released by their CEO, Steve Easterbrook, the burger conglomerate listed exactly what it’s going to do to get you to like them again.

Shit like:

  • Copying what other successful fast casual restaurants are doing.
  • Doing that more.
  • Delivery in New York City.
  • Not referring to Millennials as Millennials

That’s about it. Far as I can tell. Really the whole plan hinges on hey, look at those successful fast casual places. We are more like them now. From The Washington Post:

The 60-year-old Golden Arches has struggled to regild itself amid competition from “better burger” rivals, global scandals and America’s changing tastes for fresh and healthy. A typical McDonald’s has seen sales crumble for six straight quarters…

… the time-worn chain also said it wants to return “excitement to our brand,” including by launching home delivery today in New York City. Mickey D’s also said it plans to win back spurned diners with “a recommitment to hot, fresh food” and a refocusing on its target clientele; at one point, Easterbrook said there would be “less sweeping talk of millennials as if they’re one single group.”

You millennials will love McDonald’s because we don’t call you millennials.

That… yea.

Then comes all the copycat bullshit.

The company is also testing out all-day breakfast in California, and it intends to stop buying chicken treated with antibiotics.

Reeks of desperation. Baby I heard you only eat organic now.

The McNugget mega-firm has sought to compete directly with its rivals, rolling out a buttermilk chicken sandwich cribbed from the Southern-style signature of Chick-fil-A, and expanding all-day breakfast to compete with fast-food firms like Taco Bell, with its early-morning breakfast burritos and biscuit tacos.

To fend off build-your-own eateries like Chipotle and Smashburger, McDonald’s has also rolled out a test program that allows customer to design and order a burger via tablet.

Good call! The millennials love tablet computing.

Will it all work? Probably not? Empires fall and McDonald’s will soon too, no matter what they do. As American hegemony and its ideals recede from the globe, so too do its flagship brands flail.

And while a high-end Big Mac made from freshly ground sirloin on a toasted brioche bun with special aioli sounds great, who the fuck is going to go to a McDonald’s to get it?

You? No.

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