New relationships are easy to screw up. There are roughly one billion little things that you can do that turn you from the dude of her dreams into the dude who pissed all over the toilet seat when he was drunk. But you’re not going to avoid all the petty little things that make you look like a piece of shit. You’re just not. She’s either going to accept them and dig you anyway, or she’s going to send you a text breakup and file a restraining order.
However, what you can do is avoid the big things. These are the things that no bro should ever do if he wants a new relationship to survive. Indeed, these are nine mistakes that absolutely will drive your new lady friend away.
Being Too Needy
Don’t be a clinger, man. That is never a good look. It’s hard to even respect someone who’s so obviously desperate, let alone fall for them. Nobody wants to hear that they’re the love of your life halfway through the first date. That shit is just scary. I’m pretty sure it’s a huge turnoff for women to have dudes hanging onto them like lost little boys who need their mommy. Unless, of course, she’s into that sort of thing, in which case I think you might have bigger problems, bro.
Being Too Cool
One theme you’ll find throughout this groundbreaking article is that it is vitally important to have balance. While you don’t want to be too needy, you also can’t afford to play it too cool. You might think you’re just making her want something she can’t have, but after the 76th ignored message, she’s just going to stop trying and practice reverse cowgirl with one of your bros instead. Nobody wants to feel like an unwanted piece of shit. It’s just not cool. Basically, you need to find a place between “I can’t live without you” and “I’m thinking about boning your sister while you watch TV in the other room.” That’s all I’m saying.
Being Too Horned Up
You don’t want to be that dude who makes her wonder if she should bring pepper spray and a taser every time she hangs out with you. You’ll get there eventually if that’s what’s gonna happen, you don’t need to act so goddamn desperate. You just come across like the thirstiest fool on Earth. Even sunbaked orphans in the fucking Sudan aren’t as thirsty as you. Sure, there’s a slim chance that she actually sighs and lets you flop all over her like a fish for 30 seconds before dribbling your shame on her thigh, but that is generally not a solid foundation for any relationship. Generally.
Being Too Platonic
On the other hand, you don’t want to be so afraid of letting her know that you’re into her that she just gets comfortable with you as her little buddy. Once the dreaded friend zone has you, you’re pretty much fucked. Just like General Zod and the boys in the Phantom Zone. (Bonus hot tip: don’t talk about General Zod or the Phantom Zone.) Once again, balance is key. You don’t want to come across like a dude who makes her worry that every time she reaches for the popcorn bucket she might get a handful of your corn cob, but you also don’t want to come across like the friendly priest who looks after her puppy while she finds Jesus with some other dude.
Being Too Controlling
Jealousy is never a good look. You just come across as sad and insecure, which usually isn’t really a turn-on. You might think confronting her about some 11-month-old texts you found in her phone is a good way to set some boundaries in your new relationship, but the only boundaries you’re going to be setting are the ones ordering you to stay 100 yards from her at all times. She doesn’t need a father just like you don’t need her to play mommy for you. And hey, it’s not 1958 anymore, Don Draper, she can order her own goddamn meal.
Being Too Passive
Once again, our old friend balance comes into play. You don’t want to be the jealous psycho, but you also don’t want to be the guy who seems like he just doesn’t give a shit what she does. She still needs to know that you care. Don’t be afraid to let her know what you want. Just sitting quietly in the corner because you’re afraid of doing something to piss her off isn’t going to do anyone any good. It’s going to make you look like a timid loser, and it’s going to make you resent her, and then you’re pretty much done. You just have to know when the timing is right, when to step in and be a goddamn boss, and when to chill and go with the flow. I know that might sound kind of ambiguous, but that’s all part of the game, bro. If you can’t read the signs, you have no business playing it in the first place.
Being Too Insecure
A little bit of neuroses isn’t a bad thing. It shows that you’re human, and gives you a hint of vulnerability, which is key to opening the whole damn thing up. But you don’t want to be a complete mess either. The last thing any woman wants is a dude who has to constantly ask her if she’s mad at him or who is a never-nude or some shit like Tobias Funke. You don’t need a girlfriend, man, you need a shrink.
Being Too Overconfident
And now for the yang. You don’t want to be a neurotic mess, but you also don’t want to be an emotionless robot with no worries. There’s just no way inside for her, no way for her to get close. At best, you just make her feel like a piece of shit because you make her think that you’re out of her league. At worst, you yo-yo around her feelings until she is completely fucked up and has no idea what to do, and cries after every time you bone her, roll off and then go drinking with your boys. You need to find each other in the middle, in that tangle of vulnerabilities that you get to own together. I know that sounds like some Dr. Phil shit, but it’s the only way things are really going to work. Trust me, I write shit on the Internet for money.
And Finally, Fart Too Soon in Front of Her
Game over, bro. Game over.
Woman running image by Shutterstock