Call it plain ignorance but I never actually thought the concept of a “gold digger” was a real thing. I mean, logistically, I understood that a woman could very well marry a man solely for his money, but I didn’t think that actually happened. I rationalized to myself that no matter how poor a woman may be, there’s no way she’d give up “real love” for cold hard cash. Then I saw a documentary on Anna Nicole Smith and realized how fucking dumb I was. No offense to J. Howard Marshall, but that dude literally looked like the living dead when he slapped a ring on Anna’s finger. What the fuck do you need a wife for? You need to be walking into your grave, not down the aisle—and shame on Anna for manipulating that man into wasting his last few breaths on this planet saying “I do.” All jokes aside, maybe they were “in love,” but I’m going to speculate the former—meaning she was a Grade A, genuine, born and bred gold digger.
Can we knock the illusive gold digger? Not really. You have to give these women some credit. They are able to convince presumably intelligent, high-powered men into a marriage that is probably completely devoid of any sort of passion/affection/attraction.
I want to clarify: A gold digger is only a gold digger if she STRICTLY married a man for money. She’s not a gold digger if she simply married a man with money. That’s the difference. Marrying entirely under the pretenses that you are going to be a dirty succubus leeching off your spouse means that love never crossed your mind. Sure, she may have sex with this man. Sure, she may even parent children with this man, but at the end of the day she strictly took a vow because while he had hearts in his eyes, she had dollar signs. Is that fucking awesome, or fucking tragic? I’m not really sure.
Because those of you reading are most likely not thinking about marriage (hopefully) I’m going to keep this more “dating/relationship oriented,” that way you can spot a gold digger before locking down one for life.
I will assume that at least some of you are dating or in a relationship, meaning not just sleeping with random women left and right but actually sitting down with one over food and maybe, God forbid, saying “I love you” (only say I love you if you’re the guy in the relationship, if you say it to a chick you’re only casually dating…you need therapy/a hug.)
Moving forward! How do we spot a gold digger before she forces you into a loveless marriage and takes you for all your worth? Also please don’t roll your eyes and type aggressively in the comment section, “dis btch is so dumb, dusn’t she know wut a prenup is. Why dusn’t she go wrte 4 cosmo, wtf BroBible?” Yes, boys, I do. However, if this lady was able to convince you that she gives a shit about you to the point you were willing to MARRY HER, I am most certain she can convince a court of law that you violated the prenuptial agreement or something really shitty like that. I don’t know. I only watch Law and Order: SVU so most of my legal knowledge is based in rape/homicide.
If the woman you’re involved with does any of the following, there’s a good chance she’s only in this thing for the money.
Let’s just start with something really fucking obvious:
Are you exceedingly wealthy, unattractive, and people often don’t like you because you have a shitty personality? If the answer is yes, than you can %99.9 guarantee that your lady is a gold digger. Why else would she be dating you? This is your fault.
That’s a very specific circumstance… more often than not it looks like this:
You buy her a bouquet of flowers (for no specific reason– because you’re a good dude) and she smiles and thanks you. You buy her a Louis Vuitton purse (see above) and she jumps for joy, posts it to Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and possibly sleeps with you later that night.
Now of course, a purse is better than flowers. Any girl would react similarly to what’s above, however here’s where the gold digger differs.
- The gold digger has definitely Googled exactly how much that bag costs. In fact, she most likely already knew just by looking at it–which is why she was so thrilled.
- Gold diggers have a database of designer items just floating around in their heads. If “overpriced leather shit” was a category on Jeopardy, they’d nail it every time.
- She may also be likely to make a snide comment if it isn’t the MOST expensive bag LV has to offer. Something passive aggressive like, “This is a beautiful bag, but maybe you can get me the bigger one for Christmas.”
As far as the flowers are concerned, she’s already forgotten about them. She didn’t appreciate them nearly as much as she should have because they were just a mixed bouquet and she only likes peonies (which are $150.00 a pop.) No such thing as “it’s the thought that counts” for this girl.
To boil it down, her affection is always directly correlated to how much money you’ve spent.
She will absolutely under no circumstances ever pay for your dinner and/or split the bill. Not because she can’t afford it, but because in her mind you’re supposed to cater to her…always. Splitting the bill or actually paying for the whole meal on her own would mean that you failed to support her. You’re a pussy. You’re poor. She wants nothing to do with you.
She isn’t interested in what you do for work. That is to say, she only cares about your salary, but she’ll pretend that she is for the sake of being sneaky. Really focus on her facial expressions when you two are discussing your career. If she’s completely dead behind the eyes until you mention your 401k plan, it’s not looking too good.
Just know that if you ever lost said job, she’d leave you, but blame it on something else. So if you’re thinking about dropping that corporate gig to follow your dream, don’t expect her to accompany you. Money, power, status….that’s all she cares about.
She would rather eat in a really expensive restaurant with mediocre food, than a cheap restaurant with great food.
She’s reluctant to get into any car that isn’t German or Italian. Your Honda Civic isn’t going to cut it.
She can’t tell the difference between cheap champagne and the expensive shit, but she acts like she can.
Don’t be fooled by these women. They aren’t your standard run-of-the-mill bratty/spoiled girls because they’re more cunning than that. Gold diggers are very manipulative, but in a way that’s so subtle, you barely notice until she drains your checking account. All of these behaviors are going to be masked by false kindness.
I suppose if you’re wealthy and lazy, you can simply skip all the analyzing and observation and simply tell the girl you’re seeing that you’ve lost everything in some sort of crazy market crash, or poker tournament or you were robbed blind by Colombian outlaws. Something outlandish that would normally warrant sympathy. If she doesn’t respond by consoling you and says, “She’ll call you later.” It’s time for you to be on your merry way.
[Header image via Shutterstock]