Before any Floridians come at me, let me just say that I spent about 10 years of my life living in Florida. I love the state and hope to move back as soon as possible, but given Florida’s storied history of WTF ARE YOU DOING, FLORIDA?!? behavior, this injury make perfect sense. We can’t blame Florida for headlines like Stripper Gives Oral Sex To Man In Florida Courthouse And Then Shares Video Of Brazen Blowie On Twitter and Elderly Florida Woman Arrested For Prostitution Is Proof We’re All Shitty At Planning For Retirement and Drunk Driver Runs Himself Over With His Own Truck While Leaving Strip Club (Video) and 350-Pound Florida Man Runs Out Of Walmart Holding 2 TVs, Almost Gets Away Until His Pants Fell Off…It Gets Worse (I could do this for days but I will stop) when most of the state is suffering from a brain injury.
As I was taking one final look at this map, I was tempted to make fun of the states where insect bites where their most common injury, but then I took a glance west and noticed all the suffocation. What the fuck is going on there? Are drunk people choking on their own vomit in their sleep? Or is there just a ton of botched autoerotic asphyxiation taking place? I NEED TO KNOW.