What’s The Next Hipster Beer? Here Are 7 Possible Heirs To The PBR Throne
Hipsters ruined PBR for poor people everywhere, and it’s time they move on to something else. The question is, what everyman’s booze brand with they destroy next? Here are seven predictions of the next hipster beer.
Hipsters love obscure choices that no one cares about, so picking a beer synonymous with hockey is a no-brainer. It’s the only sport for which people care less than soccer. Plus, hipsters’ flannels, beards, and weird droopy beanies knit by their aunts will keep them warm as they stand on a frozen lake and pretend they know what a puck is.
PBR sold 18 million cases in 1977. Even with the hipster revival it’s only at 3 million now. At it’s peak, Narragansett had 65% market share in New England, and now no one under 50 has even heard of it. It sounds like the perfect choice for hipsters to claim as their own. The only thing that might stop it is the stellar product placement in Jaws.
This is almost too obvious for hipsters to appreciate, but Pabst makes another terrible beer that no one likes. It’s called Black Label, and you probably drank it during college when the beer store ran out of Beast Light. It tastes like liquid sadness, making it perfect for people who pretend like their lives are really tough.
Hipsters need a PR boost. Most people are sick of them and wish the whole lot would walk off the Brooklyn Bridge. What better way to improve their image than to get a mascot? Everyone loves dogs, and Red Dog is the only one more friendly than Clifford himself. Sure it tastes terrible, but that’s clearly never stopped hipsters before.
Retro Beer Company – Give-A-Shift
Much like Skynet, hipsters will eventually become self-aware. At that point their obvious choice will be something from Retro Beer Company. “Give-A-Shift” and “For-The-Recod” will finally allow them to drink beer that doesn’t suck and still hold on to their dickbag attitudes. You win this round, hipster.
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Bud Light Platinum
Bud Light Platinum is the anti-hipster beer, which makes it the perfect beer for hipsters. People have tried for five years to market to this demographic, and it backfires every single time. That makes Justin Timberlake’s favorite beer the perfect choice for hipsters. Plus they’ll be the only people on earth drinking out of ridiculous “cobalt” bottles.
While everyone (really just me) is trying to pick what the next hipster beer will be, the Williamsburg underground is probably plotting to move out of the category altogether. One possible landing place is the bottom shelf of the local hobo’s liquor store. Plastic half-pints of Popov are the next big hipster drink. You can take that to the bank and cash it.