HOT TAKE: There Should Be No Craft Beers At Parties

Craft Beer Sampling

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Beer is awesome, there’s even a book about beer helping save the world. In recent years, beer has gotten even better. Now you can go buy IPA’s that are from across the country, weird light beer from Korea, and flavors that you’d never expect out of a beer at a neighborhood store. The choices of how to get inebriated are becoming endless, with new choices coming out every time a season changes. But, craft beers are now being abused. Beer which once brought people together is now doing the opposite. The delicious and wonderful beverage that used to bring people together is now separating people at parties. Beer, the once great equalized, is now being used for nefarious purposes. Craft beer is ruining parties, and these are the reasons why.

It ruins conversation; no one cares about the taste profile of your beers. We can all understand someone who really likes beer because almost everyone likes beer. But, when in a party setting people want to hear about the flavor of beer as much as they want to hear about someone’s parent’s divorce. Talking about malt and hops when getting hammered in a party makes it so no one wants to tap you.

No one really shares craft beers. It’s fucking ten bucks for a six pack, no one shares them. Asking someone to share a craft beer is like asking if you can date someone’s sibling. Trying to get a craft beer out of someone is like trying to get them to sign paperwork. It’s a hassle. If you bring a cheap thirty pack then it’s way more likely people will share beers with each other and talk about their lives.

Can’t puke up good beer, parties are for raging. People should look back on the night they had and wonder where they found a trampoline and how they got on it. Parties are for puking and continuing your drinking. Craft beer goes down well but comes up terrible. Vomiting a craft beer is like puking up a pile of money then setting your entire apartment on fire.

Craft beer cuts the party short, craft beers go down too heavy to drink a lot of them. The buzz is too quick and sometimes makes people sleepy. Crappy beer goes down easy and gets pissed right out. The buzz is a gradual build to eventual obliteration. Keeping an even flow of beer in your system constantly is what leads to the obliteration and shit shows that make people leave the house. If someone is kind enough to show up, you should never run out of beer or have a sober person in the room.

No more craft beer at parties. Save that for drinking a sixer with your friends during a pregame or just watching videos on YouTube together. Craft beers are for enjoying, a 30 pack of Natty Ice is what gets a party going and keeps it going.