NYC Disabled The Internet From 400 Free WiFi Kiosks Around The City Because, Well, You Already Know Why

In February, instead of building an In-and-Out burger or installing easily accessible public access toilets or putting a fucking oscillating fan directed at the subway platforms in the summer months, the city of New York decided to convert the fossils of phone booths peppered throughout the city into Wi-Fi kiosks for personal use.

The kiosks were intended for users to consult maps, check the weather, charge their phones, or do other completely socially acceptable tasks.

The communication network LinkNYC transitioned 400 phone booths to Wi-Fi kiosks, expecting things to go just swimmingly.

Well it did go swimmingly.

Like sperm swimming out of homeless men’s shafts and covering the kiosks like a Krispy Kreme conveyor belt swimmingly. People were using the tablets embedded in the kiosks to cue up their favorite adult website and get in a mid-day public pump.

I would say they were all hopeless degenerates but my co-worker David Covucci trekked out on the coldest day of the year in a fruitless attempt to blast his baby batter in one of these sperm lockers. So yes, all hopeless degenerates.

But that’s not all. On top of New Yorkers bopping their bologna in these cum-filled confessionals, residents had complained that many were using them as a safe haven to do drugs and linger around them for obscene amounts of time.

LinkNYC said in a statement:

“Some users have been monopolizing the Link tablets and using them inappropriately, preventing others from being able to use them while frustrating the residents and businesses around them.

The kiosks were never intended for anyone’s extended, personal use and we want to ensure that Links are accessible and a welcome addition to New York City neighborhoods.”

Poor LinkNYC. So pure and so well-intentioned. They’re like the neighbors on Halloween with the festive decorations and the well-manicured grass that leaves a bowl of king-sized Snickers out with a “Take One :)” sign. Take one my ass, LinkNYC. I’ll steal your TV too, mafuckas. Try me.

[h/t Death and Taxes]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.