Let me preface this by saying that I am a 27-year-old washed up man-child that has a crippling dependency on nostalgia. Since adulthood is, for the most part, trash in a myriad of ways, I make a concerted effort to vividly remember and re-experience the good times. You know, back when shit was simple and everything was more fun. For example, I was home for the holidays a couple of years back and decided to grab my Gameboy Color to start playing some Pokemon. Sure, maybe my brain was able to fully process that I was enslaving cartoon monsters and forcing them to fight for ultimately no reason a little better, but that shit was still whimsical.
So yesterday, for some unknown and perplexing reason, I started thinking about how FIRE pepperoni pizza Lunchables were and, well, one thing lead to another.
That grocery basket is a god damn cry for help. Just tons of incongruent items interspersed in a way that hints at the fact that I might not completely have my shit together.
Orange Peach Mango Juice: Tell me how many people you lost to scurvy on the Oregon Trail and I’ll show you a drink with arguably too much Vitamin C
Gummy Vitamins: Fire -> electricity -> automobile -> gummy vitamins
Bacon & Eggs: RIP Ronald Ulysses Swanson
Shaving Cream: I shaved with water and frothy body wash the other day so, yeah
Lunchables Pepperoni Pizza: on sale for $1 – there was never really a choice in the matter
That pizza looks mad childish, yo. Not at all what I remembered back in ’98, but here we are. Also, despite not knowing much about nutritional facts, I’m fairly confident that none of this is healthy and will undoubtedly contribute to my death in some way. And no matter how you cut it, “pasteurized prepared cheese product” does not get your dick hard. Let’s just say there is a LOT riding on the Kabobulator on lunchables.com.
(Spoiler Alert: the Kabobulator was LIT)
Still pretty shocking that Lunchables leaves you to your own devices in the preparation process. No recommendations, how-to guides, or tutorials in sight. You accidentally pour the entire packet of sauce on one pizza crust and that’s on you. Also, how much cheese is that? The only people that know how to tread these murky waters are Oscar Meyer and God. Far too much responsibility, in my humble opinion.
Jokes aside, this was the hardest thing I’ve done in a long time. The amount of precision it takes to open the sauce bag without spilling anything and squeezing the correct amount on the cardboard-like pizza crusts was downright surgical. But alas, you can only be so proud of yourself when you make any type of Lunchables pizza-related accomplishment. Life is a rollercoaster, man.
Um, how did kids make these, eat them, and still have time for recess? That alone is an incredible feat and gives me hope for the future. Us millennials aren’t all bad – we made our Lunchables pizzas AND had time to be too fat to climb the jungle gym. Seriously, I might put this shit on my résumé.
But how did it taste?
So god damn good. It tasted exactly like the prayer-hands emoji characterized as a styrofoam, borderline poisonous pizza. Personally, I’m not sure how I should feel about myself after this verdict, but facts are facts – Lunchables pepperoni pizza, while socially unacceptable, is still a very effective snack. If the preparation wasn’t such an arduous, impossible-to-solve puzzle I’d recommend these as a drunk food, but ain’t nobody got time for that.