Here’s a Scientific Ranking of All Santa’s Reindeer

9. Prancer
He’s the subject of this horrible 1989 movie, which you should rent for mocking purposes. I’ll never forgive him.

8. Vixen
The only girl among the group and she’s a drama queen. As you’d imagine, there’s a fair amount of competition for her affections and she plays into it. Has really ruined a lot of friendships. Probably the reason you didn’t get that Nintendo you wanted in 1992.

7. Dancer
Spent his entirely life wanting to marry Jennifer Lopez. Failed. Dresses a little too flashy for my liking.

6. Comet
Named after an astrological event, this guy is the brains of the operation. Like everywhere else in the world, nerds are not properly appreciated at the North Pole. Sorry, Bro.

5. Cupid
Would be ranked much higher, but reindeer lack the lower-limb dexterity required to shoot an arrow. Otherwise, it would be a deer that hunts humans. Sweet, mythical revenge.

4. Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer
He’s the Notre Dame of reindeer. He’s this magical, nostalgic entity that the casual fan latches onto. They know little of his companions and place entirely too much importance on one good outing. So he’s also the Matt Flynn of reindeer.

The story you don’t hear about our rosy-nosed friend is how unbearable he became as his 15 minutes of fame contined. He rested on his laurels, collected television royalties, put on weight and just generally exhibited a selfish attitude.

Look, I’m not saying he didn’t do good things for the group, but let’s not make him into a saint. Just ask Rusty, his lesser known brother. Guy doesn’t even have time for his family.

Also, that song is waaaaaaaaaay overplayed during the holiday season. You know it is.

3. Dasher
A real troublemaker, this guy was always challenging others to races. While really annoying to all his peers, I appreciate his spunk.

2. Donner
Fun fact: Most the reindeer names were culled from a 1823 poem “A Visit from Saint Nicholas” by Henry Livingston, Jr. Donner was originally named Dunder and is therefore Dwight Schrute’s favorite. And who I am to argue with that brilliant mind? In German, it means “thunder.” He and Blitzen are like the 1991 Kansas City Chiefs backfield. Mad respect.

1. Blitzen
Holy fuck is that ever a badass name. It means lightning, implying that he’s the fastest of Santa’s team. When your one job is circumnavigating the globe in one night, I can’t think of a more important trait. He’s also impervious to snow. BEAST MODE.

[Extensive Research via Santa Claus Dot NET]

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