Apparently, you should not use the phrase below when arguing with your partner because it will only lead to more arguments. And if it already sounds like I’m saying ‘should’ too often that’s because this is the operative word to avoid at all costs.
via Psychology Today:
One way to improve your relationship: Stop “shoulding” all over the one you love!
Consistent with tenets of cognitive therapy, I believe this word engenders a controlling, judgmental dynamic. Thinking “should” about someone you love, or being on the receiving end of a “should,” creates negative energy and, over time, can be toxic for any relationship, especially a loving one.
But if you can replace your shoulds with “would likes”, many toxic thoughts could be avoided. Try it:
Instead of, “You should know how I feel,” try (thinking and) saying, “I would like you to please hear me out on this.”
Instead of, “You shouldn’t bring that up,” try (thinking and) saying, “I would like to consider what you are saying. Please let me sit with it for a little while before I respond.”
I guess I buy this mumbo jumbo science. If I were to tell my best gal ‘you should get me a beer before my current beer runs out’ I suppose she wouldn’t be overly thrilled with my demands. Or if I were to say ‘you should go for a run because of reasons’ I guess that would lead to an argument…right?
But if I were to replace the ‘shoulds’ there with ‘would likes’ they’re not half bad: ‘I would like you to please get me a beer before this one is empty.’…That seems like a phrase that might actually get me a new beer, doesn’t it?
For more on this phenomenon you can click on over to Psychology Today. (h/t Metro)