The Official Guide To Cuffing Season

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The air is getting a little cooler, white people are clamoring over pumpkin-spice related beverages (and condoms), and Eli Manning threw an interception in a regular season NFL game. Fall is officially back, guys.

Fall also means that sundress season is almost over, booty shorts are about to hibernate and inhibitions are about to rise. While this is all very disturbing and troubling, we Bros have learned to adapt. And by “adapt,” I mean that we try to latch on to one girl for 6-7 months until the weather gets nice and we can go out and be assholes again. Circle of life type of stuff. Ladies, you do it too. Get off of your ivory tower.

How does Cuffing Season work?

Cuffing season is bred from desperation and a lack of resources. We want consistent ass/someone to watch Netflix with when winter approaches. And, you know, sometimes Polar Vortexes happen and it becomes a medical risk to step outside of your apartment for three months. We overcome this dilemma by relentlessly scavenging through bars, clubs, and community outreach meetings in September searching for Mrs. You’ll Do. If you’re lucky, hopefully she’s also looking for Mr. Eh, I Guess. Pretty much squirrels stocking up on acorns.

Here’s the full schedule.

Dub J

As you can probably guess, cuffing season is not about romance. It’s about convenience, lust, laziness and a small semblance of respect.

Don’t catch feelings

This shit is more or less a need-based business transaction/preventative measure against lonely pizza and internet porn. A symbiotic relationship, if you will. Fellas – we occasionally get hand stuff and sloppy drunken sex. Ladies – you get to say that you’re “seeing someone,” so you aren’t a social pariah among your friends. Everyone wins.

Don’t get too involved, though. That means no “real” dates, i.e. – nice restaurants, trips to the movies (unless with a group of like-minded, cuffed individuals), apple picking, Jack-O-Lantern-esque bullshit, etc. Remember that this relationship is ending as soon as the weather gets nice and toned asses start littering beaches again.

Cutting that shit off

Hopefully you and the cuff have an agreement in place and are capable of seeing the writing on the wall. Like, as soon as May hits, the relationship should start minimizing to strictly 2 a.m. calls/texts in only the most desperate of circumstances. I’m not saying that you should drop off cold turkey, but both parties should slowly wean themselves off of each other. If that’s proving difficult, perhaps change your Netflix password to let her know that these streets are harsh and the game is real. Send a text, tell them to bring their playbook, thank them for their contributions and let them know that they’ve been cut from the squad.

“But I really like him/her”

No you don’t. We all like water when we’re thirsty. Cuffing season is a long-ass time, I know. Things can get confusing, muddled and cloudy real fast. As logical well-adjusted Bros, we have to know when the jig is up. Head to the beach, start creeping on Facebook and get revitalized. Also, keep in mind that the other person probably doesn’t really like you. Grow up and get back out there, Count Chocula.