Savages Attack Chuck E. Cheese Employees And The Reason Will Infuriate You

Police received a slew of 911 calls after employees of an Ohio Chuck E. Cheese were attacked by a group of five hooligans attending a birthday party. One manager was beaten and struck on the face and head, another was threatened with death, and a teenage girl was struck in the face when she tried calling 911. The attack occurred in the fucking kitchen. Savagery.

So what caused this despicable act? Before I read up on the cause I tried to make a few guesses that would incite this sort of rage:

  1. An employee was masterbating in the ball pit. Kind of unacceptable.
  2. The ticket dispenser jammed so the patrons were robbed of a squirt gun. I’d be kinda pissed.
  3. The Chuck E. Cheese rat mascot grabbed my girlfriend’s ass. Dude, she doesn’t even let me do that.

The answer is 4. None of the above. It’s more violating. More despicable…


What’s more important than giving your child a lasting memory and forming her moral compass? Piling in a 2×2 box and taking a series of pictures that show every blemish you’ve ever had. I never leave a photo booth with more confidence. Just a sudden urge to order ProActiv and a boner from sitting on my buddy’s lap.

But the silver lining in this is that now these douchebags will not go home without a souvenir, as now they can frame their mugshots and explain to their sobbing daughters that starting a war over a broken photo booth may not have been worth it.

Oh never mind, the culprits scattered before the Police arrived and are still at large. Which is why I canceled my Chuck E. Cheese birthday reservation.

We all lose.

Check out the Video Here

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.