Savages Attack Chuck E. Cheese Employees And The Reason Will Infuriate You

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Police received a slew of 911 calls after employees of an Ohio Chuck E. Cheese were attacked by a group of five hooligans attending a birthday party. One manager was beaten and struck on the face and head, another was threatened with death, and a teenage girl was struck in the face when she tried calling 911. The attack occurred in the fucking kitchen. Savagery.

So what caused this despicable act? Before I read up on the cause I tried to make a few guesses that would incite this sort of rage:

  1. An employee was masterbating in the ball pit. Kind of unacceptable.
  2. The ticket dispenser jammed so the patrons were robbed of a squirt gun. I’d be kinda pissed.
  3. The Chuck E. Cheese rat mascot grabbed my girlfriend’s ass. Dude, she doesn’t even let me do that.

The answer is 4. None of the above. It’s more violating. More despicable…

THE FUCKING PHOTO BOOTH WAS TEMPORARILY OUT OF ORDER.

What’s more important than giving your child a lasting memory and forming her moral compass? Piling in a 2×2 box and taking a series of pictures that show every blemish you’ve ever had. I never leave a photo booth with more confidence. Just a sudden urge to order ProActiv and a boner from sitting on my buddy’s lap.

But the silver lining in this is that now these douchebags will not go home without a souvenir, as now they can frame their mugshots and explain to their sobbing daughters that starting a war over a broken photo booth may not have been worth it.

Oh never mind, the culprits scattered before the Police arrived and are still at large. Which is why I canceled my Chuck E. Cheese birthday reservation.

We all lose.

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