You’re hungover. So am I. I understand it will be difficult to convince you that beer is actually good for you as you consider sticking your fingers down your throat to purge out the late night pizza you ate last night when you were blackout. And before you check your outgoing text messages last night and tell yourself you’re never drinking again after sending a “YoU upP!?” text to your best friend’s girlfriend, hear me out.
Metro recently compiled a list of 10 scientific reasons why beer is actually good for you and it’s science so it’s like, legit. It’s encouraged to read this list while sipping on a cold one if you give two shits about your well-being.
- Beer makes you live longer
I’ve always believed this but never had the scientific evidence to support it. People who don’t drink have no release, no reset button. They just let the stresses of life suck away at their souls until they die young and alone. But if you’re looking for the scientific evidence, I’ll defer to Metro:
Virginia Tech researchers found that regular, moderate beer drinkers were 19% less likely to die during a given time period than people who never touch a drop.
- Beer can make you skinny
In my experience, beer has usually made chicks skinny, but science proves that it could also help trim me down as well. London Professor Tim Spector detailed in his new book The Diet Myth by King’s College that drinking Belgian beer is actually good for your gut bacteria, which can aid in proper digestion.
- Beer helps fight cancer
I’ll have to check with my doc on this one because I’m not sure if a 40 ounce of Steel Reserve is an adequate substitute for chemotherapy but I’d prefer that route. If you’re making a case for beer, you could bring up the point that the hops in beer contain Xanthohumol, an antioxidant that combats cancer-causing enzymes.
- Beer keeps your mind right
You want to be smart? No need to reed books, just get drunk. A study in the New England Journal of Medicine found that women who had one alcoholic drink a day were less likely to find their mental faculties declining as they age. I’d guess that goes for men too because of equal rights and stuff like that.
- Beer bellies are a myth told to you by people who don’t like to have fun
Everyone loves to point fingers at poor old beer for giving you that bowling ball belly, but my boy beer has been wrongfully accused. A study at UCL has found that there was very little scientific evidence linking beer with ‘beer bellies.’ Researchers claim, “There is a common notion that beer drinkers are, on average, more ‘obese’ than either non-drinkers or drinkers of wine or spirits. The association between beer and obesity, if it exists, is probably weak.”
- Beer combats kidney stones
There is nothing that scares me more than pissing razor blades. I never want that to happen to me so I’ve decided to never stop drinking brews. A study in the The Clinical Journal of the American Society of Nephrology (seems legit) indicated that people who drink a moderate amount of beer are 41% less likely to get kidney stones.
- Beer has fewer calories than skimmed milk or orange juice
Guinness released statistics showing that its heavy, dark brew is lower in calories than either OJ or skimmed milk. So I will now eat my cereal in beer and wash it down with a tall glass of pulpy beer. You know, to stay sexy.
- Hoppy beers can stop you from forgetting things
I smoke enough weed to forget my middle name. I need as much help in this area as possible. A recent study found that Xanthohumol, a compound in hops used to flavor your beer, is able to fend off degenerative disorders of the brain, including Alzheimer’s and Parkinson’s.
- Beer is PACKED with vitamins
I was originally under the impression that beer doesn’t have that many vitamins, that’s why you need to drink all of it. But Dr Stephan Domenig, medical director of the Mayr Health Centre in Austria, has reported that I’m wrong and I suck at life: ‘If you analysed beer you would be amazed at how many super-nutrients there are in it.’
- Beer makes your bones stronger
It’s important to have strong bones for some reason, not really sure why but my mom always told me that when I was young and I’m to lazy to call her out on her bullshit. According to a study in the Journal of the Science of Food and Agriculture, beer is rich in dietary silicon, key to building bone mineral density. HEAR THAT, MOM?! *cracks sixth beer of the morning*
So there you are, bros. 10 more reasons why you should get shitfaced whenever you feel the urge. It turns you into You 2.0. Now if only I could get an erection after five or more beers…
If you disagree with anything on this list, we all know who to blame.