Hey Man, Screw These Just Discovered Species Of Vampire Crabs

by 4 years ago

A lot of people think crabs are delicious. I think those people are fundamentally wrong and should slowly be bred out of society. Crabs are not delicious. If when you cut open a steak, the shit that was in its intestine spurted out at you, you would not think that foodstuff was so delicious. And aside from a small but loyal subset of scat and steak enthusiasts, the market for meat would shrivel.

So I don’t get why people are all cool with eating crab and getting crab poop all over their hands and then licking their fingers and being like “Yum, this crab and its poop is finger-licking good.”

All you motherfuckers are weird.

This has nothing to do with anything, save for the fact that I hate crabs. And maybe even more than regular old Maryland blues, I hate that above fucker, which is known as a “Vampire Crab.”

It gets its name from its yellow eyes and its ability to turn into a bat. They are a really unique species. A new kind of vampire crab was just discovered in the Southeast Asia, and it, too, can go fuck itself.

That is beautiful, but also terrible. I want nothing to do with it. From National Geographic:

Now researchers have traced the freshwater crabs back to their wild source in Southeast Asia—and report that the two most sought-after species are new to science.

The newly described species, Geosesarma dennerle and Geosesarma hagen, were found in separate river valleys on the Indonesian island of Java.

The new vampire crab G. dennerle is a deep purple with a creamy splotch on its back. G. hagen catches the eye with its bright orange shell and claws.

Vampire crabs are popular as pets because people are sadists. Fuck vampire crabs and fuck any kind of crabs so GD hard. YOU SHOULDN’T EAT THEM OR OWN THEM. Be more normal, everyone.

[Via io9]


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