Tough confession: I haven’t really been paying much attention to the upcoming election. Sure, I’ve read about Trump saying weird shit onstage and the violence his rallies have sparked. And I know that Hillary has the whole Benghazi scandal and everyone keeps talking about it, but that’s pretty much all I’ve been keeping up with. The only reason I know who Bernie Sanders is because he looks like Larry David.
Most of what I know about the current presidential candidates is what I knew about them before they started running. Namely, Trump is a poorly tanned blowhard with an OK business sense and Hillary is a two-faced wild card who is sometimes kind of right but also probably did some decently inhumane things to prove herself correct.
Which is why ex-Secret Service agent Gary Byrne’s new book, Crisis of Character: A White House Secret Service Officer Discloses his Firsthand Experience with Hillary, Bill, and How They Operate, doesn’t totally shock me.
Via Page Six:
“Gary Byrne, who was posted outside the Oval Office when Bill Clinton was president, portrays Hillary as too “erratic, uncontrollable and occasionally violent” to become leader of the free world, according to advance promotional materials exclusively obtained by Page Six. He describes Hillary Clinton as acting friendly one moment, then raging the next.
The book claims she repeatedly screamed obscenities at her husband, Secret Service personnel and White House staffers — all of whom lived in terror of her next tirade. Secret Service agents had discussions about the possibility that they would have to protect Bill from his wife’s physical attacks, Byrne writes, and the couple had one “violent encounter” the morning of a key presidential address to the nation.
Meanwhile, a paranoid Hillary Clinton tried to have the Secret Service banned from the White House and once tried to ditch her security detail, Byrne says.”
So the question I have is whether this is all actually true or if this is just some old guy looking to make a name for himself in the public eye with his former employer’s wife now in the spotlight. It really could go either way. The beauty of this is that I could totally see Hillary doing these things so, even if he’s lying, he’s working with an audience that is inclined to believe him over Hillary. It’d be like if I wrote a tell-all about my romantic weekend getaway with Lindsay Lohan. While a little far-fetched, if anyone was going to do sexy time with a blogger she had literally never met, it’s Lindsay Lohan.
However, to lend more credence to Byrne’s story, he does include a few tidbits of Bill laying some pipe with women who weren’t his wife, which totally happened.
“Byrne — who was subpoenaed to testify before the grand jury that investigated Bill Clinton’s affair with intern Monica Lewinsky — claims in the book that he interrupted the president’s sexual shenanigans in the White House.
Byrne says he walked into a room where the president was “involved inappropriately with a woman” who was neither his wife nor Lewinsky. And he says he once threw out a White House towel stained with a woman’s lipstick — and the president’s “bodily fluids.”
Byrne describes arriving for work one day in 1995 following a loud fight between the Clintons the night before.
The dust-up, he says, left a light blue vase “smashed to bits” and Bill sporting a “real, live, put-a-steak-on-it black eye.””
I almost certainly believe that Bill was playing ‘just the tip’ with a whole host of random hotties. Which, in turn, means I’m also forced to believe that he was tossing his jizz rags at his Secret Service detail like a senior frat brother does to his new pledges. White House hazing? I’m in. Also, Hillary punching Bill in the face after he got caught with Monica Lewinsky makes total sense. That’s actually a very sane and rational response when a spouse discovers the infidelity on the other’s part. With all this being said, I believe about half of what Byrne is claiming here. But 50% is pretty close to 100%, so I’m going to go all in on this one. Mostly because whether or not it’s true doesn’t really affect me either way. I kind of also want to see Bill in the White House, hitting on all the female correspondents. The First Lady’s #1 job is to look nice and pass a few bills that her husband would approve of. Bill will probably stop at looking nice and instead pass his dick around to whoever wants to take a few hilarious morning after Snapchats.