11 Telltale Signs That You Might Actually Be A Douchebag
Everybody knows the world is filled with douchebags, but nobody thinks that they themselves are douchebags. That is what philosophers like me call a paradox.
That means that there are thousands, millions, perhaps even billions of douchebags walking the earth and not even knowing what they are. That is what Shakespearean types, like me, call a tragedy.
Fortunately, for you, I have been studying the douchebag all my life. Some would even say every time I look in the mirror, I am studying, but let’s not get into that. After a lifetime of research, I have discovered that there are ways that you, the common douchebag, can recognize your true self. Don’t even try to argue, because this is science, and what science and scientists like me all say is that these are eleven indisputable signs that you might, indeed, be a douchebag.
You DM Random Girls
Let me amend this: you DM random girls with the intention of either showing them your dick or asking them to show you their lady dicks. This is not cool, bros, not cool at all. The best case scenario in 99.9% of all unsolicited DM dickings is that she ends up saving it and then laughing about your tiny dick with her friends. And that’s the best case. Just ask Brett Favre. The worst case? You make her feel incredibly uncomfortable, fuck up her trust in men… and then she publicly sells you out and everyone in the world laughs at your tiny dick. Again, just ask Brett Favre.
You’ve Ever Lectured Someone About EDM
EDM, in case you are blissfully unaware, is Electronic Dance Music, and everyone knows that one douchebag who spends waaaaay too much time extolling its virtues, treating it like a religious experience and telling the same story about the time they did MDMA at Electric Daisy Carnival and saw God in the pasties on some girl’s tits. Only you weren’t there so you wouldn’t get it, and that’s why they need to preach about it to you for the length of an entire party. Anyway, if any part of this sounds like something you would do, or have already done, then yes, you are a douchebag. Sorry.
You’ve Ever Said “You Do You.”
Look, there are certain phrases that just immediately mark you as a douchebag, phrases so cringey and devoid of original thought, like they were pulled straight out of a middling advertising campaign aimed solely at douchebags, and every time you use one, an angel dies, Satan and the terrorists triumph, and your poor mother weeps. “You do you,” is one of the biggest of these douchebag phrases, and if you have ever used it, in any way, in any context, then you are a douchebag of the most shameful order. But, whatever, bro, you do you.
You Wear Lululemon
Being a yoga bro is suspect enough. By itself, it doesn’t mean you’re a douchebag, but, well, a lot of the signs are there. If you actually wear Lululemon clothing, though, well, I’ve got some bad news for you. Look, no one wants to see a dude in yoga pants. No one wants to see those infamous leggings hugging your ass, and goddamn you for even making me have that mental image right now, and for making me give it to everyone reading this. You goddamn douchebag.
You Play Acoustic Guitar
I’m not really talking about a dude just dicking around with his guitar all by his lonesome (not a euphemism, I swear.) I’m talking about that guy. You know the one. He shows up and serenades everyone with his tender acoustic stylings because he’s the most sensitive man in the world and all the women will love him and blah, blah, blah. Not only is that dude a douchebag, but those women who all “love” him think he’s weird and creepy and laugh at him behind his back. So at least you have that going for you.