The Single Bro’s Guide To Thanksgiving (AKA The Best Bar Night Of The Year)
Stop what you’re doing. Just stop. If you’re reading this, it’s pretty evident that you’ve shut it down for the week. The boss man is gone, Thanksgiving is on the horizon, and in just a few short hours, you’ll be ten beers deep and well on your way to making your first of many questionable decisions to follow.
Last year, one of my cousins asked me why I hadn’t shown up with a dame in the fold for the second straight year. Severely hungover and in no mood to go into detail after she had spent twenty minutes boasting about her boorish boyfriend, I nonchalantly brushed off the question. For those of you rolling up to grandma’s house solo, you probably face a similar situation year in and year out, and at times, it can leave even the best of us feeling a little left out. While I could sit here and rattle off a thousand reasons why being single on Thanksgiving is the tits, I really only need one: Thanksgiving Eve.
I’m not gonna sit here and claim to be Nostradamus or anything, but I’m willing to bet that memories made partying your tits off on Thanksgiving Eve will far surpass anything that happens on a turkey trot or a relaxing evening with your pseudo in-laws. Sixty years from now when you’re on your deathbed with a diaper full of shit, you’re not going to be reflecting on that one Thanksgiving you spent with your ex-girlfriend and her family. Her dad’s story about that fishing trip in Cabo he took last December that you’ve heard for the third time is going to pale in comparison to getting shithoused with old friends and playing touch pp with an old high school or college flame.
And if you’re worried about the hangover, do yourself a favor and get the fuck out of my face. What do you have lined up tomorrow? You’re probably going to watch football for eight straight hours then proceed to eat your week’s worth of calories in one sitting, yea? Congrats, you plan on doing literally the only two things on earth that are actually easier to do hungover. Sure, mom might shoot you a dirty look or two, but other than that, no one will know, or probably even care that you’re riding shotgun on the Thanksgiving struggle bus. If anything, you’ll probably get the nod of approval from that crazy uncle of yours. Aunt Millie skipped dinner to get her Black Friday on, and Unc would love nothing more than to hear of your previous night’s conquests over a couple of bowls of loudmouth soup. He’s reading you 20/20.
So go grab a drink, or ten. Head out with your boys and have a debaucherous night you’ll be laughing about for years to come. You have the rest of your life to watch Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parades and exchange stories about things you could honestly care less about. Thanksgiving Eve is one of the best nights of the year and as much as you might not want to admit it, you won’t get to enjoy it forever.
Cheers, guys. Let the good times roll.