Guy Gets So High He Freaks And Calls The Cops, Police Find Him In Fetal Position Surrounded By Doritos And Cookies

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An unnamed 22-year-old guy in Austintown, Ohio, clearly cannot handle his shit and has no chill since upon taking what, 2 hits from a bong? Upon taking what I’m going to assume is 2 hits from a bong since he sounds like a total pussy, the guy freaks the fuck out and calls the cops, complaining that he was “too high.”

Right…because the police are really going to be able to fix that problem. Cat stuck in a tree? Neighbor crashed his car into your house? All problems your local police department can fix. You got too high and can’t feel your hands? You may as well call the local Burger King and ask to speak to the nightshift janitor, because he’s just as much help to you as the police are. According to TIME,

Police responding to the call at about 5:20 p.m. said they found the man, whose name was not released, groaning on the floor in the fetal position and “surrounded by a plethora of Doritos, Pepperidge Farm Goldfish and Chips Ahoy cookies.” Police say that the man indicated that he couldn’t feel his hands, The Vindicator reports.

Police recovered a glass pipe with marijuana residue from the home, along with two packs of rolling papers, two roaches and a jar of marijuana.(via)

In the first smart move of the story, the guy reportedly declined medical treatment and as of Monday had not been charged with a crime.

[H/T TIME & The Vindicator]