Please Listen To This Broken Starbucks’ Barista’s Rant About The Ridiculous New ‘Unicorn Frappuccino’


The Unicorn Frappuccino has hit Starbucks stores nationwide, knocking off ‘rap music’ for the number one spot on the ‘Why Our Grandparents Hate Us’ list.

According to the Starbucks website, this is the description of the limited edition drink that has every basic girl Instagramming pics of it. Note: this drink does not contain coffee.

The flavor-changing, color-changing, totally not-made-up Unicorn Frappuccino. Magical flavors start off sweet and fruity transforming to pleasantly sour. Swirl it to reveal a color-changing spectacle of purple and pink. It’s finished with whipped cream-sprinkled pink and blue fairy powders.

What the fuck does that mean? Does it come with an insulin pen? Does it contain gluten? You know I can’t eat gluten, Cindy.

I can’t imagine what it must be like for a Starbucks employee to deal the fan girls for an entire shift. That is God’s work. One Starbucks employee has reached his breaking point. The Unicorn Frappuccino has broken him.

I’ll Venmo someone $20 if they go to Starbucks, order 13 Uniform Frappuccinos, and then leave.

P.S. I had to look back 9 times for the correct spelling of Frappacchinno.

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.