Stone Cold Steve Austin Tries ‘Fancy Cocktails’ For The First Time And Hilariously Craps All Over Them

by 4 years ago

I generally don’t watch BuzzFeed videos because I really don’t stay up at night pondering what if Disney princes were real or what if Disney princesses were real or what would Disney princesses look like without makeup or what would Disney animals look like as humans or what Disney princesses would look like if they were historically accurate or what if guys had pregnancy bellies. Sure these are all paramount questions that humans have been asking themselves since the dawn of time, but they are just not my cup of bourbon. However, what happens when badass Stone Cold Steve Austin is in a BuzzFeed talking about liquor? A real moral conundrum.

Stone Cold loves kicking ass and drinking cold beers. He loves drinking beer so much that he has his own beer called Broken Skull IPA by El Segundo Brewing. But will the WWE Hall of Famer like alcoholic drinks that are not generally perceived to be masculine?

The BuzzFeed video is titled “Stone Cold Steve Austin Tries Fancy Cocktails For The First Time,” which already is a problem because in the video he doesn’t try one “fancy” cocktail. Sorry BuzzFeed, a birthdaytini, appletini, cosmopolitan, sex on the beach and jolly rancher shot are not “fancy” cocktails. They’re merely sugar-riddled girly drinks. Sorry I take that back. Labeling an inanimate alcoholic beverage as “girly” is sexist and misogynist even if said drinks are generally consumed by females. To be considered a “fancy cocktail,” you shouldn’t be able to order it at your local TGI Friday’s.

Stone Cold first tried a birthdaytini, which he called “one of those bullshit drinks” and tasted like a “sugary dogshit.” Next up was a cosmo, which he enjoyed. Then came an appletini, and he offered sound medical advice of “An appletini a day, probably would keep the doctor away.” The wrestling legend was not a fan of the sex on the beach drink. Lastly, he was served a jolly rancher shot, and he was thoroughly unimpressed with the small size of the drink. “These are the kind of drinks that just piss you off,” The Texas Rattlesnake said. “A lil sum-of-bitch, you can put it in a frilly glass and put a couple lil umbrellas, probably set you back $10 bucks… For what!? A case of sugar diabetes and no buzz!?”

Stone Cold rules!


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