New Study Finds Teens Today Are The Biggest Losers Ever

While the 2016 election has left many people bemoaning the future of America, may I propose to you a different metric by which we can observe the downfall of this once great nation?

Our teens today are lame as fuck. What was once the last bastion of disaffected cool is now just a bunch of seatbelt wearing dweebs trying to convince their parents to quit smoking.

How un-dope is that? How fucking whack will these kids, cognizant of kale at age 14, be when they are mature adults? Doop dee doop must go five under the speed limit at all time. That’s the safe way to drive.

Man, fuck the future.

The annual Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Survey by the CDC measures how cool teens are, asking them about a number of fly behaviors, such as their drinking and drug use. This year? BITCHES. All of them.

Heere are some numbers, via Vox:

15.7 percent of teens today smoke cigarettes. Twenty years ago, 30.5 percent of high school students did.

Teenagers today are 31 percent less likely to binge drink than teenagers 20 years ago. In fact, they’re 18 percent less likely to have ever tried alcohol at all.

What kinda chump shit is that? What generation are they gonna grow up to be? I’ll tell you what? The Lamest Generation. The books about it are gonna be so not fun to read.


[One] especially important trend that turns up in the data is the fact that teenagers today just have less sex than those of 10 or 20 years ago.

Back in 1991, if you were a high school student and thought most your friends had had sex, you were probably right. In 1991, 54.1 percent of teenagers said they’d had sex at least once.

That’s not true anymore: In 2013, 46.8 percent of teenagers answered yes to the same question.

Barf man. Barf. And when they do fuck? They’re more likely than ever to wear condoms.

What’s the point of being a kid if you’re gonna behave?

See the whole chart here, although I don’t know why you’d want to read about teens using less cocaine and carrying guns more infrequently.

Shit’s depressing, man.

[H/T Digg]