We may all complain about Facebook and pretend to be above it, but in 2015, it has become as integral a part of our lives as the constant fear of death. Whether you’re using it to see if your ex got fat, checking if your ex’s new significant other is hotter than you, or even just creating a fake profile to write threatening messages to your ex, Facebook has become a tool that we all can’t live without!
But like everything truly great in this world, it has become increasingly difficult to appreciate the beauty of Facebook thanks to a vocal minority of boners hell-bent on destroying this thing that we love so dearly. Their tactics are as varied as they are annoying, but the one thing they all have in common is a sociopathic-like desire to not shut up about things. Like, shut up.
I don’t want to make any generalizations here, but if you happen to fit into one of the categories below, rest assured, a casual acquaintance has definitely grown to hate you. Let’s familiarize ourselves with them!
1. Genre – Conspiracy Theorist
End Game – Start the revolution. Or get you to hate the Jews. Either is fine.
Profile Photo – He/She at an Occupy event.
Sample Post – “While all of you were busy getting worked up over a stupid football game, you didn’t even realize that Obama just used The Fed to kill orphans who were getting too close to uncovering the fact that he’s Bin Laden’s dad. Also, Obama’s a Jew.”
2. Genre – Nearly-weds
End Game – Get everyone as excited for their wedding as they’re trying to convince themselves they are.
Profile Photo – Engagement photo, duh. Girl’s ring finger being visible is a necessity.
Sample Post – “T-Minus 87 days, 15 hours, and 25 minutes until I get to marry my best friend and the love of my life! I’m not doubting this decision at all, I swear!”
3. Genre – Quiz Takers
End Game – Take enough quizzes to finally determine their personality once and for all.
Profile Photo – He/She sitting stoically at a laptop.
Sample Post – “I just took the quiz… ‘Which member of Boko Haram are you?’ I got… Aminu Sadiq Ogwuche.”
4. Genre – New Mom
End Game – Distract herself from her postpartum depression by getting people to tell her how adorable her baby is.
Profile Photo – Her enjoying the outdoors. JK, it’s a pic of her with her stupid baby.
Sample Post – “Can’t believe it’s already been 33 weeks since I was blessed to have my best friend enter my life. My best friend is my baby, in case you didn’t get that. Yeah, I’m best friends with a baby, I know it’s weird.”
5. Genre – Guilt-Trip Humanitarian
End Game – Make you realize that you’re not as good of a person as they are.
Profile Photo – Posed with African kids in some village, or with their new rescue dog.
Sample Post – “I think it’s great that some of you are texting the Red Cross to donate money for earthquake relief in Haiti, but having spent time there, I think it’s important to keep in mind that many Haitians don’t even have cell phones. Text relief all you want, but just remember, texts don’t build houses, bricks do.”
6. Genre – Veiled Racist
End Game – Turn the whole world racist… maybe?
Profile Photo – A nice family photo, hiding their sinister racist identity. Definitely wearing a sweater.
Sample Post – “These people who are non-violently protesting something that they are justified in protesting are absolute animals. They should be fed out of troughs. This isn’t racist, it’s just fact.”
7. Genre – Oversharers
End Game – Be able to have a written account of their entire life to make things easier for their biographer.
Profile Photo – A smiling selfie to hide the pain.
Sample Post – “So, today is January 8th, which is always a weird day for me. Why, you ask? Well, my parents divorced when I was 8-years-old, and the actress January Jones vaguely reminds me of the teacher who would later go on to be emotionally abusive to me in Junior High. Given those two traumatic experiences, this is always a difficult day for me. I ask for your prayers and thoughts to get me through this day. I also want to let you know that I am currently struggling with a bought of diarrhea. Pray for me.”
8. Genre – Fitness Nuts
End Game – Get you to fawn over their body.
Profile Photo – Holding up a medal from a Tough Mudder or some other obstacle event.
Sample Post – “I’ve run seventeen miles today before you’ve even had your first cup of coffee. How’s your Tuesday? That was a rhetorical question, FYI. I was just trying to point out that you’re fat and pathetic and I’m better than you.”
9. Genre – Not So Viral Video Sharers
End Game – Expose you to a video you’ve already seen roughly seven thousand times.
Profile Photo – Standing at a party looking generic and utterly nondescript.
Sample Post – “This music video is so crazy and foreign, it’s cracking me up! *Earnestly posts YouTube video for Gangnam Style in 2015*“
10. Genre – Wet Blankets
End Game – Spread misery and erase any shred of joy being experienced on Facebook.
Profile Photo – Standing outside near a garbage can.
Sample Post – “I’m actually floored by how many of you are supporting the Oscars given the Bill Cosby rape allegations. Supporting the entertainment industry is a support for rape.”