As a female, sometimes I really get off on sending annoying text messages to dudes. I can’t lie – it makes me feel just a little bit more in control of whatever situation I’m in with the guy. It’s my own immature way of feeling like I’m wearing the pants, which is laughable because I so rarely wear pants.
Despite the brevity and broadness of these texts, my male friends have assured me that they absolutely get on their nerves. This is especially if the text is sent during a time of tension in a relationship.
Below is a series of text messages that guys are likely to get from girls like me. And just to be kind to all you bros who become receivers of the annoying lady texts like these, I decided to tell you how best to respond. You should know, by the way, that I’m revealing all my texting secrets here. You absolutely should be paying me for this kind of advice.
It’s the most foreboding text one can receive. Is a breakup to follow? Sometimes. But in my case, I usually find it funny to send this text and follow up with something like, “I ate all the cookies I baked for you, and by baked I mean bought at the Trader Joe’s.” You should probably beat me to the punchline here. Crack a joke before the lady can. Or, break up with her before she breaks up with you. Either way, you come out the winner.
Sometimes this means someone majorly fucked up sexually. Did the condom break? Am I pregnant? Are you pregnant? I have no idea, but I want you to think so because I want you to pay attention to me. Just don’t pay attention to me if I send this to you. Unless I make it clear that something is actually important and that we really do need to talk about last night, assume I’m going to annoy you about the restaurant we went to or that I’m playing an elaborate prank that will end with you finding a pregnancy test in the trashcan.
One time I sent this to my college boyfriend. He called me immediately and was completely flustered, totally sure that someone died or that I was unexpectedly carrying his child (seriously, pregnancy is the thing that scares men most) or that my favorite cupcake place was closing (this actually did happen and yes, it was an emergency). I actually had just texted this to him to see if I should get tickets to see his favorite comedian before they sold out. While I didn’t initially think my text would overpower his emotions and fears, I now know that a message like this will absolutely get a guy all kinds of riled up.
The best way to respond to something of this nature is to give in and call, just in case something bad or important really did happen. And if/when you learn that there is the farthest thing from an emergency occurring, hang up on your girlfriend and then text her that you need a break. Let her freak out. Then send a text about 30 minutes later saying you really just meant you need a KitKat bar. She’ll lose her shit and she’ll also start craving chocolate, which makes us females very upset.
This one is complicated. Sometimes I really am fine when I send this. Sometimes I’m not. If you want to continue dating me (why would you ever want to continue dating a psycho like me?) you should probably insist that I can talk to you if I’m not actually fine. If you know that I really am fine but just want attention, tell me you’re fine too. It makes me insane when people do that because then I don’t get the attention I’m looking for.
This is another “is she pregnant” kind of text that I get a real laugh out of sending sometimes. You may initially think I’m late to brunch but then you panic and think, wait, that’s not the only kind of late. And then I remind you that I take too many pills to become pregnant with a human child. Though I may be pregnant with some sort of alien baby, so beware of that. Or maybe that’s just my acid reflux. Respond by not responding. It shows you’re alright with my occasional fashionable lateness. I try to look good for you and sometimes it takes a while, ok? Or, if your girl is always late, just get up and leave wherever you’re supposed to meet her and let her show up to an empty table. That’ll show her.
Usually this means I want you to help me move or build something. Make a disgusting “sexual favor” joke at me, which will cause me to ignore you for a while. This gets you out of helping me with whatever annoying thing I want you to do, which thereby gives you a night off to kick back with a beer or a movie or a game of Scrabble. Whatever floats your boat. Water is the only thing that floats mine, so maybe you need that. I don’t know. I’m not a sailor. Just prepare not to get sex for a while if you decline to help me with my favor.
I know you don’t want to go to yoga. I don’t even want to go to yoga. Respond by telling me you’ll meet me afterward for a smoothie, then actually buy me the milkshake I really want. Or go to yoga with me and look at all the spandex-covered asses in the class while you try not to fart. Either way, we are definitely having fun as a couple today.
My sister. My cousin. My mom. Those are the only correct responses.
If you really are secretly on Tinder and also in a committed, monogamous relationship, you are a douchebag. I hate you. But you can always say your friend put you on there, or that you just never bothered to delete it. Just know that this text could get you in a lot of trouble. Luckily, you’ll have all your Tinder matches to keep you warm at night if your girlfriend dumps you over this one. But if you’re a nice and caring guy who wants to keep his girl, tell her it’s since been deleted and buy her some flowers. Also, buy a vase because most of us barely-adult women don’t actually own one.
I know you hate this response. That’s why I send it. I’m probably mad at you. Respond by saying “kk” back to me. We are equally petty. Let’s bone later anyway.