Farts aren’t just silly noises that have been delighting children and immature adults for a millennium; they’re a science. Scholars have been studying the “liberal [f]arts” for generations, and created a sophisticated grouping system for toots. I’ve compiled a list of the 10 quintessential farts to help educate the public.
The 10 Types Of Farts That Every Bro Rips
10. The Con Artist
This is a fart where someone else is blamed for your crime. The epitome of having your cake and eating it too. Few things will give you more joy than looking into the eyes of the sap getting berated for the fart you produced.
9. The Impressionist
A fart that sounds like someone or something else, allowing you to avoid any blame. There’s nothing better than letting one loose that everyone assumes was a squeaky chair or the voice of Professor Snape.
8. Loud N’ Proud
It takes a special kind of person to pull this one off—specifically, someone who thinks they’re downright wonderful and doesn’t give a hoot what other people think. It’s a magical combination, like the chocolate and peanut butter of social ambivalence.
7. The Composure Eroder
This is an ass blast that catches its victims off guard and makes them do or say things they normally wouldn’t. For example, firing one of these off at your dad could cause him to reveal that you were somehow both adopted and an accident. January was a tough month…
6. The Invisible Man’s Kiss
This is a rare gem: a fart that is both silent and scentless, a victimless crime. A lot of people think this is the work of divine intervention, since it seems to defy all logic. You’re basically get away with… well you get it.
5. The Ghost of Christmas Ass
Smell is the strongest sense tied to memory, and this fart proves it. The Ghost of Christmas Ass is a fart that even after it’s dispersed you can still smell. However some people try to pass of a second fart as a Ghost of Christmas Ass, when in fact a second fart was released, be weary of these people. Trust no one….
4. Ripping A Van Winkle
Some farts are more deceptive then others and go to great lengths to confuse people. When you Rip a Van Winkle, you’re fart lays dormant for a time before letting others notice its stench, quite often after you’ve left the room
3. The Grim Reapers Wink
This happens when you fart and realize it smells like your dad’s fart. At first it’s funny, but then it dawns on you that you’re getting older and you’ll die someday. I recommend avoiding this fart or any farts that cause you to face your own mortality.
2. The Immune Diplomat
This is when you fart at a time when no one can address it and hold you accountable. This could range from when you’re in a hospital bed to when at church. Although it’s clearly the most hilarious fart, it’s rumored that every time someone toots out an Immune Diplomat an Angel gets Diarrhea.
1. The Decimator
This is the fart your momma warned you about. The Decimator AKA The World Ender AKA The Fat Man AKA The Little Boy AKA Tyler Perry Presents The Apocalypse. This is the fart that makes waterboarding look too kind. This is the room clearing, abomination the Geneva Convention banned. If you feel the need to resort to this, please be sure to contact your love ones and let them know… you’re gross.
All of the photoshopped images of farts in this ost were done by the author himself, so be sure to follow Brett Osinoff on Twitter for more brilliant discussions of farts (and fart jokes)