The Cheating Curve: What Your Girlfriend Classifies As Infidelity

by 4 years ago
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Disclaimer: Nothing counts until you say, “I love you.” If you’ve been texting for 3 weeks, or have liked 17 of each other’s Instagram posts, or have become best friends on snap chat—you are NOT dating her and subsequently you cannot possibly cheat on her (no matter what she has to say about it). Until a grand proclamation of love has been made, there’s no such thing as infidelity. I may or may not have heard that on an episode of Sex and The City, but that’s not important.

Nowadays it seems girls aren’t trying to appear too eager to settle down. They don’t want to look crazy, or desperate, or maybe they just really love reading the 1,000 articles Elite Daily publishes about the benefits of being single in your 20s. Whatever the case may be, “cuffing” isn’t as conventional as it once was.

Here’s the problem though: Girls don’t want to be exclusive, but they still want to cut your balls off if you wander outside of your un-exclusivity. This, ladies and gentleman, is what we call an oxymoron. If you want someone to remain faithful to you, then put in the effort to be in a relationship. It’s that simple. If you’re “single and ready to mingle” go fucking check Tinder and stop making the rest of us look bad.

With that being said, this only really applies to those legitimate couples. The “I love yous” have been exchanged, you know each other’s parents, maybe you’ve even made it Facebook official (if you’re that kind of couple).

So now that you’re clear on the definition of being in a relationship in 2015, here’s how to fuck one up (in the eyes of a female).

Let’s start with the most obvious. If you want to hug another girl, that’s cool. If you want to pull some Euro-trash shit and double kiss her on the cheek, that’s cool too. Anything beyond that most females will classify as cheating. An ass grab, holding of the hand, insertion of the dick — these are unacceptable, but you knew that already, right? The only true benefit of physically cheating on your girlfriend is that chances are she isn’t going to be nearly as mad at you as she is at the home wrecker you cheated with. Girls are notorious for slut shaming; we love blaming other women for the faults of men. I think it’s some sort of vaginal coping mechanism fueled by satanic spirits and estrogen. Personally, I find it best not to blame the other girl at all. There’s a strong possibility she had no clue. Don’t waste perfectly good rage on the innocent. That’s just sinful.

Your species isn’t usually known for their affinity for being emotional and therefore, “emotional cheating” isn’t quite as common. Usually us ladies like to take the cake on this one. However, it does happen, and when it does, what would that look like? Well, if you talk to another girl because she makes you feel better about yourself—we consider that cheating. If you need to wander outside your relationship for any sort of validation, not only are you a huge pussy, you’re an unfaithful one at that. Of course you can have female friends (well at least I think so) but if you keep some chick on retainer just so she can inflate your ego and make you feel wanted—yawn—nut up. Male emotional cheaters are notorious for having Mommy Issues. At the end of the day you were too cowardly to actually go out and get a blow job from another girl which makes you the exception to the rule (and not in a good way). I’m not saying that physical cheating is any better, (because it’s not), but at least I can understand that. If your girlfriend is steadily bitchy, then break up with her. No need to seek refuge in some other girl telling you the sun shines out of your dick-hole.

Because we’re living in the age of the iPhone a whole new brand of infidelity has arisen, giving way to a new generation of lunatic women. I myself don’t believe that the following counts as cheating, but I sure as shit know some girls who do. Liking another girl’s selfie (where cleavage and or ass is present), snap chatting frequently, Facebook messaging (no matter what the context of the message is), and let’s not forget poking on Facebook as well (which once again, why do guys still do this?!). I really don’t really want to go against my gender, because after all, I am woman hear me roar (or some shit) but none of those things go against the rules of monogamy. There are roughly 4 things you can do that are unfaithful with a phone.

  • Send dick pic (or receive dick pic—which would be another issue onto itself)
  • Have phone sex
  • Receive titty shot
  • Join an online dating site (cough, loser).

That’s it. Nothing else disrespects the relationship.

The moral of the story is, if you want to have sex with multiple women, don’t have a girlfriend. If you want to have multiple women to tell you how great you are, don’t have a girlfriend. If you want to be happy, don’t have a girlfriend (just kidding with that one). But seriously, women classify cheaters higher on the spectrum of evil than Al Qaeda. There’s no sense in scorning some perfectly innocent (presumably) female just because you weren’t ready to commit. Wait for the right girl. Wait for the right time. It’s really that fucking easy.

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