Fall is officially upon us, you guys. I know, because Twitter has been blowing up with one-liners reminding me that boot season is back in and that the leaves are starting to change color again. Thank God, because how else would I have been able to tell?
In case you didn’t know, girls love fall, man. You know who really loves fall, though? Basic betches-the same girls who shamelessly uphold the status quo and sterotypes of their gender without even realizing it. Here are a few of many signs to help you spot the basic betch in your life.
Pumpkin Spice Lattes
Just think, there’s some guy out there who thought to himself, “Oh, let’s put a little pumpkin spice in these already overpriced lattes and sell them to white girls everywhere like rock to a crack fiend.” He probably made a lot of money too. What an asshole. Now all I have to do is find a way to put a little pumpkin spice in Fireball Whiskey and hello early retirement. Can you imagine?!?! I can’t even.
However you choose to get your fix, ladies, just make sure you don’t forget the corresponding Instagram pic. Because if you go to Starbucks and don’t put your purchase on IG, did you even really go at all?
Get your girls and your game face on, ladies, it’s game day. So what if you couldn’t name five players on your hometown team, that’s not gonna stop you from hitting the local watering hole and screaming your voice away for the next six hours. Don’t forget your oversized hoodie and Chuck T’s, which I’m pretty sure are just standard issue now for all chicks on football Sundays. What’s that? You went apple picking last weekend? I’d love to hear about that. Especially now, on 3rd and 8, down 3, with a minute and a half to go. Hit me, girl.
Cider beers and Bloody Marys
You probably had your fair share of mimosas and vodka sodas over the summer. Gotta watch the calories when you’re doing those summer #Fitspo’s, right ladies? But drinking skinny-ritas and sangria post summer is like wearing white after Labor Day. Um, No. Instead, grab yourself a bloody mary for brunch and cap it off with a few cider beers throughout the day. Might I recommend a Redd’s Apple Ale perhaps? Yea, you’re getting away from the skinny juice, but just like the aforementioned pumpkin spice lattes, it can’t be fall until you break out the seasonal beverages. Everybody knows that. Sure you’ll gain, like, three pounds, but that’s just your “winter weight” and you can go to the gym for like eight hours on Monday. Totally whatevs.
All Yoga Everything
What, you think I’m gonna be the guy to knock yoga pants? Is that where you thought I was going with this? Get outta town. I think I speak on behalf of the entire male species when I say I fully support any and all things yoga pants. I like those, keep doing that, ladies. Where I am a bit confused, however, is what is up with the yoga obsession? Sure, you can tell me the difference between hot yoga and pilates, but if you haven’t actually been to a class in four months, I’m gonna really start to doubt your street cred, doll. If you’re gonna talk the talk, you better be able to walk the walk.
If a girl tells you her favorite holiday is Thanksgiving or Christmas, don’t believe her, she’s lying to you. As a matter of fact, she is probably lying to herself and may not even know it. The correct answer, my friends, is Halloween. Think about it, when else do you get to spend hours on end scraping the guts out of a pumpkin? When else do you get dress up as a sexy (insert anything here)? Oh, and Hocus Pocus is on TV again!? YES PLEASE.
The leaves are changing colors and the days are getting shorter, you know what that means, ladies. Time to delete the Tinder app and find someone willing to cozy up with you and watch the new season of “Scandal.” I mean, is there anything better than awkward dinner conversation with your extended family on the holidays? Trick question. Obviously the answer is awkward dinner conversation with your boyfriend’s extended family on the holidays.
I don’t understand why people think this is fun. And I hope I never do.
Disclaimer: The contents of this article represent the official view of the observations collected in my brain. It has been determined that the stated observations describe like 99% of girls everywhere, but #SorryNotSorry.