5 Things Every Guy Does Immediately After He Downloads Tinder

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Oh Tinder, you beautiful, much-maligned crazy beast of an app.

For those who don’t believe in your almighty power, I’ve circled the wagons and formed my own denomination of believers.

And no matter what they say in their collective efforts to thwart you, I can never find a fault where there is none. I mean, what’s the point of ragging on a gift like this — a gift that helps make it easier for bros everywhere to get laid.

They’re crazy to pounce on you and call you names — or try to replicate you and reinvent you.

Why reinvent something that is perfect? It’s like being set up for failure, which is the complete opposite goal of your very existence, my sweet little app.

In case you were wondering, dear Tinder, here are the first 5 things every guy does after downloading you as relishes delightfully in your grace:

1. Second guess the profile

Did I say too much? Or did I say nothing at all? Either way, I’m going back and checking over what I’ve put on there (you can never be too safe). Oh shit, now I’m acting like a chick playing with every detail like it matters.

This is a game of images, I have to keep reminding myself of that; this is not Facebook — who you are and what you write doesn’t matter. This is nothing but a meat market — round the cocks up, put them in a line, and start swiping. Girls on Tinder care about personality, interests and hobbies as much as guys looking to get laid typically do (in case you didn’t know, that’s very little).

Why should even bother write something about myself? That’s right, I’m deleting it all except the photos.

OK, fine, I’ll add a short quote from some popular athlete or some famous philosopher. That will go over well and attract a wide variety of chicks. Right? It’s flawless now.

Shit, that’s too much now. Will I ever find the right balance of information when none is too little and anything more is too much? What a Catch-22!

2. Like every chick with a 50 mile radius

It’s like the Great One said: you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take. That’s guy code for like every piece of pussy — no matter how wide or how thin — that you come across. I have to remember — HAVE TO REMEMBER — they’re on this app looking for the same reason as I am, and that’s to get laid.

Hey, it’s a natural impulse we all share, so there’s no judgment here. Come on in and close the door, if you’re plan on staying a while. If not, hit the road, I’ve got important business to attend to.

This is a numbers game — the more matches, the better the odds. Like, like and like some more until my thumbs hurt from swiping. That’s my motto and it’s a winner’s mentality.

Cast the widest net possible and don’t throw any of the fish you catch until they’re properly vetted — and, in this case, properly fucked.

3. Insert photo of you with attractive females

Is this photo from freshman year of college? Of course it is, but who cares — I look ten times better five years ago then I do today and I’m surrounding by a pack of 18 year old co-eds who are dressed to impress.

How could she not know which one is me? I’m the only guy in the photo.

Oh, here’s another good one — me, mom and sister out at dinner posing stupidly for some waitress who wants to tear our heads off for adding yet another task to her laundry list of duties. What was that, you didn’t sign up to be a photographer? Understandable, but it comes with the territory in the 21st Century — we’re all photographers, sweetie. It’s best you suck it up and deal with it like the rest of us.

Where were we? Oh that’s right, picking a third and final photo of me. Three or four photos are the perfect number — you got to leave them wanting more. As for which one gets uploaded: me with the guys during beach week or me with one of my best friends from back home, who just so happens to be ridiculously hot and happens to have a vagina?

Well, sorry bros, this one looks like a no brainer. Let’s conceal the beach bod (she’ll see it in the bedroom if we’re both lucky enough) and make all the ladies out there a bit more jealous. Yes, I can be “friends” with hotties and not scare them off. In other words, I’m Mr. Perfect.

4. Maximize age preferences

Wow! Thank God a friend alerted me to this gimmick — it’s nearly quadrupled the pool of candidates, and if there’s anything I remember about this process it’s that more is better.

Anyways, all I did was go to the discover settings and where it says age, move the dial to 50 or 99 or whatever the app has you set for.

Will some older women come across the radar? Sure, but this is actually to swoop up talent that you might not otherwise see if you have the age restrictions set from 18 to 28. Some chicks’ Facebook’s don’t have the right birthday and they come up here as being 99 when really they’re 20. I don’t know, it’s a clitch — don’t ask me.

But I’m telling you, this works — I just changed it now and already have matched with two chicks that don’t have an age listed but they don’t even look legal to drink yet. Fine by me, I’ll buy the booze and drive over now. Let’s not waste anytime.

5. Message obscene things to matches

It’s a bit telling that I’ve matched with nine girls in the first hour and I don’t know what to say. Hey want to grab a drink? No, that’s too formal — way too straightforward.

The only way to dive headfirst into this thing is by doing the complete opposite of diving headfirst — take the easy way out. Cheap, almost illogical, comments are the way to go.

Have any good ones? Not yet, but I’m trying to produce a few ones I can use interchangeable. Like a good chemist, I’m tweaking the variables and checking the procedures. The perfect concoction of words is out there somewhere — I just have to throw a lasso and around it and pull. Hey, that’s not too bad.

[Note to self: include lasso in my next message to a match.]

What do you know? She’s already responded to my weak-ass comment. Who knew I could get away with such little effort?

This is so much fun I might never stop.