Tinder Is Set To Announce ‘Huge’ Changes In Its Algorithm, Promising Your Ugly Ass More Matches

by 3 years ago

Sorry, bro. I didn’t mean to call you ugly. I’m a little defensive at the moment because my Satan-worshipping colleague Rebecca Martinson told me that I have bad skin (THANKS MOM) and was getting fat the other day (THANKS DAD). I’ve since brought a boom box into the bathroom in the morning so my roommates can’t hear me sobbing while I shower. I just have to remind myself that Rebecca has the IQ of a premature chimp with shaken-baby syndrome and she’s probably just mad that I took a giant, sweltering dump on her chest in site traffic for the month of October. And I have all of you to thank for that :).

ANYHOO, the good news for all of us, especially the fatasses with porous skin, is that Tinder is set to announce their biggest change in the app to date–a massive rework of the algorithm used to find you that special someone (at 2 am).


Tinder’s founder and CEO Sean Rad told the Web Summit in Ireland on Wednesday that the ‘huge’ change will boost connections made on the dating app by 30%.

According to Mashable,

Rad, who was reinstated as CEO in the summer, said that due to the “sheer volume” of people using the service, Tinder is looking for new ways to “reduce the barriers to people connecting,” and, in particular, help with “deeper connections.”

Rad also was adamant on spreading the message that 80% of its users are looking for long-term relationships, like me, who is searching to find someone on Tinder he can spend AT LEAST an hour with before putting on my pants and giving the unlucky lady a few bucks for a cab.

Tinder was cryptic on the release date of the algorithm change but it better come soon because my penis is dustier than Khloe Kardashian’s running shoes.

[h/t Mashable]

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