Tucker Max is best known to me (as well as the a lot of the generally decent people who make up most of humanity) as a genuinely horrible person.
Gleefully telling the world the story of how you paid a friend to secretly film you having butt sex with a girl without her consent will earn you that reputation. But he was a male cultural phenomenon in the late 2000s, so it’s no surprise that Bros out there still want to fuck like Tuck (wantonly, without regard for the other person, all while loudly proclaiming you are too big for condoms).
So you might be surprised to learn that these days even Tucker doesn’t want dudes to be like him. Nope. He’s what you call … mature now? I think?
How mature? Tucker’s married with a kid, and that shit changes a dude, because before that happens, it’s completely implausible for someone to know how to be a normal, non-sociopathic member of society. Like, guh, huh? You can’t figure out or infer shit that complicated on your own. Which is why Tucker is here. He wrote a new book designed to teach the uncouth and unlearned Bros of the world how to be better peopl—sorry, get chicks. It’s to teach you to get chicks.
But not in the reductive, bullshit way you might immediately think. This is a different Tucks. Tucks Two Point Oh. According to the jacket, there’s no pick up artistry cons. No cheap seduction tricks, and absolutely, absolutely “no bullshit.” Zero bullshit. It is all, according to Tuck Em, a rational, scientific and analytical approach to dating.
Or it’s bullshit.
Where to start? I could go off on his 17-page tangent about how you need to keep Paleo and reads like a native ad for Crossfit: “High intensity interval training is the ONLY proven way to reduce fat and gain muscle mass” (which, a thousand LOLs to the guy who says he knows how you can get women, then tells you the key is Crossfit), or we could talk about the pseudo-scientific crap he spouts (he teamed up with a REAL DEAL psychologist for the book) which he uses to give his words legitimacy, but fails spectacularly. Sample: “Because of a natural female attraction to certain biological features, whether a woman will be attracted to you is largely in your hands” (Try (TRY!) to parse the contradiction that explicitly states that because women are attracted to certain innate traits like height, you have the power to make her love you, and you’ll get an understanding of how dumb this book is).
But I’d like to focus on one section in particular that struck me as … horrific.
Chapter Four: Understand What It’s Like To Be A Woman.
Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.
Yes. Let’s see what Tucker Max thinks it’s like to be a woman. Bold words: His; Regular text bashing the inane and outright absurd thoughts and ideas he has: Mine.
To begin with, “Women have evolved to be more complicated than you can understand so they could protect themselves from being seduced, manipulated, and exploited.
Throughout this [chapter], we’ll focus on understanding women on several levels: [including] why women feel anxious and vulnerable about sexual harassment, stalking, rape, sexually transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies and slut shaming.
Are they concerned about that because those are genuinely awful things that happen in the world, or because you, Tucker Max, created a whole identity around those things and exported it to males worldwide, or maybe both.
(P.S. I like how he describes all the terrible things men can do in such a removed fashion, like, “Did you know there is famine in Eritrea?”)
P.S. again, this is still the introduction. On to “WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN, per Tucker Max, Author Extraordinaire and noted woman. Wait, I mean, noted not woman. Noted man reviled by women. This should be good.
When women feel bad, Oprah gives them cars.
This is the entire foundation he gives for what you need to know to understand a woman, and we could stop here, but fuck it, let’s still forge forward. For fuck’s sake, or something.
As a man, it is impossible to be better at understanding their subjective experience, because it is fundamentally different than yours.
Yo, so to help in this effort, Tucker spends the next two pages asking you to imagine yourself as a gay dude in a gay club. Imagine all the big gay guys around you, he says, who want to gay sleep with you. Who may gay hit on you, or even gay hit you, if you don’t gay flirt with them. What if you aren’t interested in their gay advances? He does this because, as far as I can tell, if there is anything that is going to better help you imagine the “subjective experience that is being a woman,” it is by you, as a man, imagining yourself as a man.
Related (ish): Did you know you, women, are dumb?
Frankly, most women don’t understand why guys are attracted to them.
Right, they are completely unaware that we are both of the same human species, and she actually thinks you are a dumplings spot in San Francisco’s Chinatown and she is a segment of a Velociraptor fossil on display at the Natural History Museum in D.C. and that would be stupid if the two of you ever dated. You both are busy during the day, what with you serving up pan-fried delicacies and her hosting tourists.
She doesn’t typically consider what men actually find attractive or she misunderstands it completely.
Because she is a piece of petrified bone that’s been pulled from the Earth and soaked in a chemical solution to restore her original luster then carefully reconstructed along with other bones near her, having last experienced any semblance of sentience more than 71 million years ago.
Remember, she didn’t evolve to be attracted to women or their feminine traits, so she’s sort of mystified that you could find her sexually desirable in the first place.
Of course she didn’t. She evolved to hunt in packs. But… … WHAT? This is someone writing an entire book about what women want in a mate, so it presupposes that the author knows what women want in a mate, so he can properly relay that information, stating to you, the paying reader, that women are unaware of what they want in a mate, so listen up to him. Because he knows. Can we all go home? This book is less grounded in science than the Salem Witch Trials.
Women can’t tell if they’ve struck the right balance between formal and causal, tight and loose, sexy and slutty. [They don’t know if] they are projecting “sophisticated Brooklyn hipster” of “Jersey Real Housewife.” The problem is that they never get accurate feedback about what image they are projecting.
In this world, women lack both general cognitive brain function and a mirror.
Women are in a competitive dating market and they are going to use any tactics that work – seduction, manipulation, gossip, physical violence, verbal violence – anything that works to get guys and make them stick around.
Most women (and men) I know manage to stay in relationships by using a tactic know as loving their partner because they love their partner. But what do I know? I’m not married like Mr. Max. Is that what your wife does? Stabs you repeatedly so you don’t leave? Did you run this book by her? Like even a sentence of it aside from your bio. “Hey, honey, check this out. It says ‘Tucker Max is the man.’ I told them to write that and they did.”
By the time a woman is out of college, she’s had years of hearing women rag on women for being sluts and whores.
You mean men. Let me fix that for you. “By the time a woman is out of college, she’s had years of hearing men rag on women for being sluts and whores.”
Are you ready for the best run of lines in the chapter? It’s about the reasons women are afraid to have sex with you, which don’t even address you possibly being someone they don’t want to have sex with. Nep. NOT IMPT.
Women don’t want to get pregnant because being stuck with a little kid seriously lowers a woman’s attractiveness to future men.
Or because raising a kid is terrible, which is the same reason men don’t want to have one. Are you aware that whole ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’ thing wasn’t a science-based textbook that discussed actual distinct alien species mating on the closest planet between them, but just a poorly coined 90s metaphor? You know that women are from Earth and men are from Earth and maybe all of ’em are afraid to have kids because kids suck?
It’s easier for a woman to contract an STD. Even if you still use a condom, there’s still a risk of breakage, slippage, or incomplete coverage (if you have warts or sores are near the base of your dick).
There are no words to describe a human that faults a woman for not wanting to get an STD by refusing to have sex with someone who has a visible STD on their sex organ in its most highly transmissible state. I mean, like fuck?
This is why women have evolved sexual disgust toward promiscuity.
Oh, so you mean it isn’t my pussing cock? Great! And we haven’t even hit your daddy issues.
She’s vaguely aware her dad would want to kill you for what you want to do to her body, and that judgment hovers over her bed like the Eye of Sauron.
Yep. All women, during sex, think of their father. And what he is thinking about right then. Like if the cordless drill is charged up. Or if the weather will hold up long enough for him to grill. AND WHAT ABOUT THAT P IN MY DAUGHTER’S V.
Really, what the dick is this trash? Oh, right. It’s a book by a garbage human.
The wonderfully enlightening chapter ends with an exercise. It asks you to go into a coffee shop and look at a woman and ask yourself these questions. To learn about her.
What is the likelihood she thinks I’m among the most attractive guys here?
What parts of her body is she most embarrassed about?
Who are her friends and which once would be most judgmental if she had casual sex?
Don’t go do that, and don’t go buy this book.
Tucker Max’s new book, Mate, is available now from Hachette Book Group.