Reddit has basically taken over the Internet. The reasons are many and varied, and would probably make for an interesting (lol okay) read itself, but we’re not here to talk about Reddit itself. No, we’re to talk about the delightful assholes who make Reddit… well, Reddit.
Okay, that’s not fair. It’s not all dumb assholes and shitposters. It’s… it’s… okay, yes, it’s pretty much all dumb assholes and shitposters, but let’s face it, that’s part of its… its… we’ll go with charm. Yeah, why not?
Anyway, if you stand any chance of surviving Reddit, you better know who you’re dealing with, so here are eleven types of people you absolutely will meet on Reddit.
The Shitposter
Look, let’s just get this one out of the way first because this is pretty much 99% of all people on Reddit. What is shitposting exactly? Well, it’s a lot like porn: you just know it when you see it. It’s probably best defined as something that adds nothing to the conversation, usually derailing it along the way. Sometimes the shitposting is in response to the original post being a shitpost, and… look, this is all very complicated stuff, okay?
The Karma Whore
All this person cares about is getting people to upvote every dumbass thing they say. Why? Because it gives them a higher karma score. Why is that important? Uh, well… it isn’t. Not really. Sure, there are people who will tell you it’s a useful way to see if someone has credibility or not, but really, all it means is that the dude or lady dude is on Reddit waaaay too often and that they very likely are obsessed with their karma. Sad? Well… yeah. (Please upvote this.)
The Updater
This dude is just sad. He posts something, it gets more upvotes than he ever dreamed, so he takes the opportunity to update his post, usually by thanking all the upvoters, which is kind of pathetic and needy all on its own, but they don’t always stop there. Oh no. The updater will often update his post again, usually with some comment that tries to capitalize on the post’s popularity, like a dude who manages to tell a funny joke and then just keeps hammering it until no one thinks it’s funny anymore. But some updaters keep going even further. They add shoutouts to their family and friends, carry on schizophrenic convos with themselves, and basically cringe it up until everyone just feels kind of sad and embarrassed for them. Welcome to Reddit, everyone!
The Petty Tyrant
This is the mod who lets all that “power” run to his head and acts like his shitty little subreddit is his own personal fiefdom. He’ll suspend and ban people for petty reasons that don’t make any sense to anyone but him, he’ll be overly anal about arbitrary rules, and he’ll eventually cause rebellions by the peasants and pretty soon the subreddit is just him and his friends shitposting while everyone else runs off to start their own subreddits, where the process repeats itself. It’s the Reddit circle of life.
The Professor
This dude is never wrong about anything. Ever. And if you dare disagree with his wisdom from on high, he’ll be sure to let you know that he’s a Mechanical Engineer with advanced degrees in literally everything and he once spent seven years learning at the foot of the Dalai Lama while he was in the Navy SEALs. And he will tell you all of this over and over again over the course of 3,000 comments, arguing while you sleep, while you eat, while you shower, while you surf over to Pornhub and do, uh, whatever it is you do there, and when you return, having forgotten all about him, he’ll still be going, an entire novel of bullshit in his wake. It would be sort of impressive if it wasn’t so pathetically sad.
The Adult
In the midst of all the shitposting and the tasteless jokes, some noble champion (perhaps even a… white knight?) will step forward to scold everyone and remind them all that, uh, Reddit is serious business? Shrug. You could viciously abuse this person, but frankly, their own inability to contextualize and accurately read the tone of the room has left them already abused by life.
The Downvoter
This dude downvotes literally everything he reads. That’s it. That’s all he does. That’s his entire purpose in life. Probably because life has already downvoted him.
The Meme Lord
A particular subspecies of the shitposter, the Meme Lord prefers to do his shitposting through the use of memes. I mean, it’s not even original shitposting. It’s just Pepe, Dat Boi and Wew Lads forever and ever, and friends, this is not how man was meant to live.
The Edgy “Teen”
I say “teen” mostly because youth is the only thing that should be able to explain this, but the sad reality is that most of the edgy “teens” are probably 42-years-old and their most meaningful relationship is with the piss jug they keep next to their computer because they’re too lazy to get up to go to the bathroom.
Anyway, they also probably own a Katana (steel folded 1,000,000 times!), embrace atheism with a fervor that surpasses even the most religiously devoted, and are just waiting to find that special m’lady who deserves their protection and knightly virtue. Which means they will be masturbating to anime until they have a Cheetos stroke and aren’t found until a neighbor smells something awful (yes, even worse than normal) a month later.
The Social Signaler
I won’t say SJW because 1. It’s overused, and 2. Because it doesn’t fully reflect that social signaling happens on Reddit both in the SJW sense and in the anti-SJW sense. Basically, it’s piling on just so your fellow assholes give you a virtual high-five. It takes no courage, no real convictions or beliefs, just a willingness to repeat whatever banal opinion is fashionable. This dude is the John Oliver of Redditors.
This Dude
Reddit image: Gil C / Shutterstock.com