A Ugandan Woman Claiming To Be My Wife Contacted Me This Weekend, So I Decided To Play Along

My last name — and it’s 100% real — attracts some strange people. If you’re unfamiliar with the origin of the Illuminati, do a web search, and just know I’ve got no connection to any of those groups and I’ve never seen Tomb Raider.

Several times a week I’m contacted by men and women, usually from third world countries, asking how they can join the Illuminati. Go take a look at my Twitter profile and browse through the followers. A sizable chunk of followers are Illuminati-centric accounts or guys named Onyekwelu who only follow porn accounts, Illuminati accounts and an account called Gay Barack Obama.

This weekend, for the first time, a stranger reached out here with a completely new angle. She didn’t want to join my secret organization or give me money or to randomly send me modeling photos (yes, those have all happened.) This woman was claiming to be my wife. My Ugandan wife. Here name is Jean Juliet Johnson and she lives in Kampala, Uganda and she seems to be a legit, but mistaken, person.

She was convinced she was my wife. Well, if she’s my wife, it’s only fair to torture her the way I do my actual wife.

And sadly that’s where our love story ends.

I find it interesting to note that if she were running a scam, she stopped answering at the worst time. If she thought I was someone else, this is all even funnier. If I actually do have a Ugandan wife, I’m going to have to be nice and see how the whole election shakes out. It’s either live with her or move into the Arby’s.

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Chris Illuminati is a 5-time published author and recovering a**hole who writes about running, parenting, and professional wrestling.