Disclaimer: this is going to be 99% incoherent rant on Olive Garden and 1% actual information. Don’t go into this expecting any coherent thoughts or information. Got it? Good.
For the last several months all has been right with the world. Yes people are dying in wars, yes the economy is in the shitter and yes, I know Game of Thrones is still on hiatus but none of that mattered. Why? Because Olive Garden, an “Italian” “restaurant” chain spawned from the depths of Satan’s butthole, was losing money.
So it’s with a heavy heart that I have to report that Olive Garden is finally turning a profit. Fuck everything.
Olive Garden, the 845-unit pasta chain owned by Darden Restaurants, reported on Friday that same-store revenue increased 2.2 percent in the three months ended Feb. 22, a second consecutive quarter of such an uptick in sales — the first time that has happened in five years…
Darden brass have pointed to a grander, wider-focused 18-month turnaround effort that has begun to boost results.
In the third fiscal quarter, adjusted earnings per diluted share increased 39 percent to 99 cents, the company said. Overall sales from continuing operations increased 6.9 percent, to $1.73 billion.
At the same time, Darden increased its forecast for the year to $2.45 to $2.48 a share from $2.25 to $2.30.
For the current quarter, Darden is forecasting profits of 91 cents to 94 cents — while Wall Street was expecting 89 cents.
Yeah I barely read even half of that because looking at numbers reminds me of math and I hate math, but what I did manage to pull from it was that people are starting to eat at Olive Garden again.
Why??
Why are you turds eating at Olive Garden?? IT’S NOT GOOD. I don’t normally wish ill on anyone (just kidding yes I do, I hate everything), but I’m happy to say that I reserve most of my hate for the OG. There’s nothing quite like driving past a strip mall and seeing a lonely island of an Olive Garden sitting off to the side surrounded by a sparsely populated parking lot during peak dinner hours. It’s not that OG’s necessarily done anything to me, per se – more that I get mad seeing fat middle class Americans shovel fettuccine alfredo down their gullets and then force their waiter to roll them outside to their cars like an overstuffed barrel of goo because the thought of burning even 1 calorie is a traumatizing endeavor. Nothing there has any flavor, nothing there is worth $10 and the only thing those breadsticks are good for are if you’ve been constipated for a few days and need a good colon cleanse. No, I don’t mean the breadsticks have fiber; I mean they’re actually supposed to be used as mini butt plungers so you can unclog your colon. I can think of exactly 100+ things I’d rather eat before resorting to Olive Garden, including but not limited to:
- Rusty nails
- Cyanide
- That weird slime that accumulates over time on the shelves in your fridge
- Placenta pancakes
- Seth Rogen’s bong water
So why are people going to Olive Garden again? NY Post says it’s because they’re using more salt in their pasta water. Is that why you’re eating at Olive Garden? Because they’ve stopped skimping out on salt? At some point in the last year did you eat at OG and think to yourself “Man if only this pasta were saltier!” ? No, you didn’t. No one gives a FUCK about salty pasta water except for the assholes on the Food Network (just kidding I love that goddamn channel), so WHY ARE YOU SHEEPLE STILL EATING AT OLIVE GARDEN?!!
And, if any of you actually take the time to answer that question and your response doesn’t include “Because I’m a self-loathing dungeon troll who enjoys crapping fiery alfredo sauce out my asshole for $10 a plate,” then just stop while you’re ahead. I know you’re lying.
/rant.
[H/TNY Post]