Total disclaimer here, I don’t know for sure that this story is real. It’s been making the rounds on the Interwebz lately but through my extensive research (read: 30 seconds spent on Google search) I couldn’t find its origin. Honestly though, who cares? The best stories have a little bit of truth as well as a heaping load of lies and I’m positive this story falls into that category.
So I had a feeling she was cheating, as she set off a lot of red flags. Constantly laughing and smiling when texting, saying it was just her mother when I asked. Needing to stay late every night after work. When I’d call in her co-workers said she left hours ago. When I asked her what was going on she’d laugh it off and say it was just something they did to each other at the office all the time.
The last straw when I knew something was definitely up was when she went out “to get milk” at 11:30 at night and didn’t come back until 2 in the morning. Now if there are any words of wisdom I can pass on to others in all my years of experience, it’s if you think your significant other is cheating, hire a private investigator. They’re good at what they do and they will get some evidence that really helps in the later divorce.
Fast-track to her birthday, several months down the road. Now I know what you’re thinking, why the hell did I wait months before I confronted her and did it really need to be on her birthday? The answer to the first question is I wanted as much evidence as possible to hand off to my lawyer, as well as time to make arrangements to find a new place to live, etc. The answer to your second question is – of course it had to be on her birthday. You see, after asking her what she wanted to do on her birthday this year she was rather insistant on me going out of town with my friends as she just had to work anyways and didn’t want to be reminded she was aging.
So I know something is up and after finding a bottle of champagne and two glasses hidden in my closet something in me snaps. So I do what any sensible man would have done. I leave and go to my friends house pretending like I am going out of town. While there I call up her mother, father, sister and several of her friends. I tell them how I want to give her a big surprise by sneaking into our room with party streamers, kazoos and a big cake with candles. Sounds fun, right?! Well, boy was it.
I had everyone meet me outside our apartment at 8:30 in the morning. We all pile in the elevator (about 8 of us in total); her mother is holding the cake and I’m reminding everyone to be as quiet as they can be. I put my key in and unlock the door; we all sneak in and make our way down the hall towards the bedroom. Each holding a kazoo and her mom holding the cake grinning from ear to ear.
Well as I throw open the door, we all yell surprise!
But the surprise was on us and there was my wife, butt naked with her lover staring at us wide eyed. Mom drops the cake, sister screams, father begins to shout. I pretend like I’m horrified to which her friends try to push everyone out while yelling at her. My wife, excuse me, ex-wife is sobbing and screaming how could I while the lover is desperately trying to put his pants on while running out of the place. Needless to say, it was one of the best birthday presents I have ever given.
That’s all fine and dandy, but what I want to know is what happened after. Like did they all just sit there awkwardly and stare at each other after the initial shock was over as the lover tried to put his pants on? Did the father give her a spanking? Did the husband make a grand exit with some shitty line like “Happy Birthday, bitch” ? These questions need answers, people. Someone get writing on the sequel to this, whether it’s true or not.
Here’s what the ordeal probably looked like:
[H/T SF Globe, header image via Shutterstock]