Wife’s Story About Having A Mid-Day Quickie With Her Husband After Denying His Hilarious Advances Is A+ Literature

I’m not naive to the fact that after I get married, my dick is going to be as useful as a tailbone. My 3 and 1/2 inch floppy disk will literally become as useful as a 3 and 1/2 inch floppy disk. I might as well just chop that fucker off, wrap it in bubble wrap, and throw it up in the attic with the Christmas decorations. Come to think of it, maybe I’ll hang it on the tree come December because, after all, its only function at that point would be decoration. Plus, the red sores on it would look very festive against the pine green backdrop. I mean. what. nevermind.

ANYHOO, you add kids into the equation and you best stock up on Windex because your hog is going to be dustier than James Corden’s treadmill. Precisely the reason why I’ve chosen to stay single and opted for silently whimpering over a tub of cheeseballs on Valentine’s Day. Whatever.

My decision to remain alone has only been reaffirmed by a Facebook story a mother posted about begrudgingly having sex with her husband despite his charming advances. The post has gone viral and in just 48 hours has amassed thousands of likes and shares.

Check it out below:

For the vision impaired, here’s the transcript of the post:

Did we just have a quickie?

Like a day time one?
With one child at the neighbours and a baby asleep in the cot it seemed like a perfect opportunity. I mean I’ve been turning him down for long enough I actually felt bad. Knowing it was only going to take a few minutes and I’ll have a day of any food I want to eat, listen to any music I want and an early night. Sounds delightful right?!

Rewind back this morning I’ve had dad sex jokes thrown at me all morning. Packages dropped on my shoulder, dry humping my leg and asking if I want sausage to eat. I would hardly say it was romantic. I may have to admit it was quick and slightly obligated. I was definitely not prepared and thankful I was in my period undies (which have now become the daily undies) which have barely any elastic for quick removal. We picked who would be first to get up incase of ‘Surprise I’m home’ children turned up. Opting him because well let’s face it my jeans take way to long to pull back up.
True to the name “quickie” it was over before I knew it. A slight make up fix and hair fix and we’re ready to go.
The amount of times I have turned down this mans “charms” one would assume I was ungrateful. I think more tired and exhausted would describe it best. I’m not normally your day time quickie kinda person but today I thought the amount of effort he has put into every sexual advance it would just be plain mean of me.

Now I sit here in my pjs eating a block of chocolate watching a movie knowing I can go to bed without feeling bad….. Totally worth it. Sometimes it’s worth just going with it.
Silver lining he’s happy for the next few days and I’m going to bed without dick jabbed in my back.

I guess it’s true what they say: Squeaky wheel dick gets the cheese booty.

[h/t Some eCards]

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.