If your current girlfriend is the spitting image of a dungeon troll complete with mold growing behind her ears and the personality to match, you’re in luck! Just bring home Gwyneth Montenegro, who has slept with exactly 10,091 men during her 12 years as an “elite escort,” have her repeat all that information to your parents, and then once they’re done crying over the poor taste their child has you can bring in the dungeon troll and they’ll automatically be ecstatic with anything that hasn’t had so much semen busted in/on/around herself that she could fill a kiddie pool with it.
The only thing is that it’ll cost you $500-1,000 an hour for Gwyneth’s services. Or at least that’s what she was charging during what was once considered the “peak” of her career, however with the launch of her book 10,000 Men and Counting, you could argue that she’s about to reach new heights in the job world.
But something’s missing. Despite the success, fame and money, Gwyneth is still out searching for something…
And yes, I wanted to barf at how cheesy that was. No, I’m not deleting it. Shut up and keep reading.
‘There were some working in the industry who were dating people and married but for me personally I didn’t find it appropriate.’
‘I found it easier to avoid relationships during my time in the industry. The two just don’t mix. I tried it once, it was an utter disaster.’
Since leaving her old life behind three years ago, Ms Montenegro wears many hats as a commercial pilot, an NLP Master Practitioner and, of course, now an author.
‘I was a little over men at that point in time of my life and found my businesses infinitely more stimulating,’ she said.
But Gwyneth is now ready and raring to give the dating game a go.
That’s right fellas, Gwyneth here is ready for someone to throw a ring on that finger! So if you’re scientifically-oriented and have always wanted to test whether the “Is there any tread left on the tires? Or at this point would it be like throwing a hot dog down a hallway?” quote from Family Guy has any truth to it, now’s your chance.
Juuust like that.
Oh and as a bonus, you might even get to be mentioned in a movie based on Gwyneth’s life that may or may not be happening.
Gwyneth’s former life, which involved blowing tens of thousands of dollars on a new car, clothes and cocaine, has sparked interest from Hollywood with Gywneth in secret negotiations with a famous producer.
‘I can’t say at the moment but everyone would know who she is – it is most likely going to happen,’ she said.
‘It’s quite a long process but we should know this month or the next.’
So the question is:
Because I probably wouldn’t.