I’m sure we can all agree that boobs are great. What’s not to love? They’re…well, they’re boobs. They look great in swimsuits and…I’m sure they serve some sort of purpose aside from that but it’s escaping me right now. Maybe breast feeding? Probably. But that’s gross because children are parasites that turn hot chicks into giant mounds of rotting cottage cheese. No really, how many hot moms do you know? 3? Who would want to exchange this:
But did you know that not all boobs are born equal? Some are small and perky, while others can literally be used for involuntary manslaughter because they each weigh 15.8 lbs.
Enter Kristy Love.
Kristy’s breasts weigh a vast 15.8lbs each, and combined, tip the scales at 31.6lbs – the weight of an average toddler.
On one hand, they present a hazard, particularly in the kitchen.
‘Sometimes they get in the pot, sometimes they get in the pan, sometimes they get caught on the burner,’ she admits.
On the other hand, they are mighty useful. Kristy’s cleavage is so deep that she uses it in absence of a handbag, wedging her perfume, cell phone, car keys and driving license between her breasts.
Things also lost in Kristy’s breasts:
1. Jimmy Hoffa
2. Flight MH370
3. Every single misplaced television remote since 1995
Like…look at these sandbags.
I’m literally at a loss for words. Back in 10th grade I came close to failing geometry, but it’s by my rough eyeballed calculations that I’m going to say that Kristy’s tits take up ~50% of the screen in that video. And while I’m sitting here like “What sort of sick evolutionary joke is this,” some men are allll about it. Kristy reportedly makes as much as $1,300 a day at her job as a massage therapist where she gives clients the “Happy Man Works.” No, she doesn’t give rub and tugs, she just crushes people with her tits.
Some clients even enjoy ‘being hit over the head’ with them, or have her glide over their bodies covered in oil.
‘I have to keep an eye out when I’m squashing someone,’ she explained. ‘I look at their feet and their fingers to make sure there is still movement there and they’re still breathing.’
Take a bowling ball and put it on your face. It’s heavy, right? Not very comfortable? Kristy’s tits probably weigh more than that bowling ball, so picture that PLUS a 320-pound woman on top of you.
I will say, however, that Kristy’s ability to not give a shit about her Hindenburg ta-ta’s and make the most out of the weird genetic hand she got dealt is admirable. Her boobs still scare the shit out of me, but I’m nothing if not objective and so I can appreciate how she’s managed to turn a profit off of the whole thing.
But at the end of the day…it kind of makes you wanna be an ass man, doesn’t it?
[H/T Daily Mail]