Ever since Susan B. Anthony took an acetylene torch to her iron chastity belt and marched from Utah to Washington, D.C. to menstruate all over the Constitution, women have been making an all-out effort to prove they are the equal of men.
They’ve refused to take care of their babies, moving to distant cities and ignoring court orders to pay up. They’ve entered hot dog-eating contests. They’ve run Fortune 500 companies into the ground. In the process, the line defining what’s masculine and what’s feminine has been so thoroughly eroded that the average child entering the ninth grade today is unable to tell the difference between a penis and vagina.
“I dunno, they look sort of the same to me,” high school freshmen say, “both human sexual parts.”
This conventional fluting of traditional gender roles has led to the utter collapse of modern society. We haven’t been to the moon in 40 years, around the same time women started burning their bras. Church attendance is plummeting as safe births are on the rise. Massive strides in the equitable treatment of all people pretty much coincide with the accelerated rate of global warming. Climate change. That shit didn’t exist when women weren’t in Congress.
SO. Yea. Basically, what I’m saying is every problem of the 20th century can be traced back to the ratification of 19th Amendment.
But I’m fine with it. I’m fine with women driving cars and operating tower cranes and even running marathons. I will vote for Hillary and promote equal pay and reproductive rights and all that stuff. Women deserve everything that they can wrench away from the world with the talon claws that extend from their vaginas at night and murder men in their sleep.
You can have everything a man has and I will be okay with it.
What I’m not okay with is you women drinking our man whiskey. Which apparently you all are fucking doing.
[Becky Paskin, editor of The Spirits Business] says, “women are finding there’s a lot going on with whiskey for them; it’s not just a man’s drink.”
No. It is!
Back in the 1990s, only about 15 percent of whiskey drinkers were female. Now, according to Fred Minnick, author of Whiskey Women, women represent 37 percent of whiskey imbibers in the U.S.
What? STAHP. That’s an insane amount of women consuming man’s last bastion of manliness. Don’t strip it all away from us. We are no longer allowed to ignore the births of our children by staying out of the hospital. Whiskey is all we’ve got left.
Women. Come on. You have tequila and rum and vodka and gin and you love all those things. You love Margs. Daqs. Vodka Crans with a splash of soda. You LOVE G&Ts. Men hate all those things. We love whiskey and whiskey alone.
And right now, there is a shortage of it. Us men are running out of whiskey. We are running out of the last thing that makes us a man. And with the feminist movement squeezing itself into every aspect of society like some sort of equality Cthulhu, there ain’t much left. So please don’t take it from us. You can have the White House. Deal?
Also, I bet all of you are wasting it by mixing it into Manhattans and Bourbon Ginger Sodas. No. No. If you drink whiskey, you drink whiskey straight.
Those are the rules if you wanna be a man. You ever seen a dude at a late-night power meeting on TV add some agave syrup to his drink? Fuck no. Fuck no.