Everybody wants to go abroad for the summer — see the sights, sample good food, get drunk far from restrictive liquor laws that keep you from living up to your potential, etc. I get it. However, not every foreign destination is going to be the kind of place where you get the good kind of bang for your buck. Some of them just give you the bang and leave you with several years of expensive reconstructive surgery and a story about how you had to go all season 7 of 24 on some ISIS asshole while in captivity. Don’t be that guy. Nobody wants to have to do that for their vacation, and you won’t even get any good photos out of it.
So, what countries should you avoid if you plan on living to have many more happy vacations?
In Soviet Russia, vacation take you. In Vladamir Puntin’s Russia, vacation take you to bridge where assassins likely hired by KGB shoot you while you’re taking in the sights. I’m not saying Russia is the kind of fascist hellhole that would make George Orwell write another book post-mortem, but I’m pretty sure I just saw him climb out of his grave and ask for a goddamn pen before shambling off toward the nearest bar. On top of that, the climate sucks, the food is barely edible, and I’m pretty sure broken glass is the #1 best selling children’s toy. People probably come from miles around to see the one guy on the block who has the financial stability and grand wealth to buy shoes without holes in them.
If a country has to invade another country that didn’t actually do anything to it to hide crippling economic and structural defects within its own system of government, it’s probably a terrible place to vacation, with the exception of America circa 2003.
Australia is trying to kill you. Not the people, mind you, but the continent. While it’s one of the most beautiful places in the southern hemisphere it’s also a scaled up example of “every rose has its thorn,” except for in Australia those thorns have smaller thorns on them, and they’re incredibly poisonous and likely to make you go blind. It’s home to monotremes, which are poisonous, egg-laying mammals. Do you know how many mammals are poisonous? Or lay eggs? It’s not many. The evolutionary implications there are terrifying. It’s like one day, several of Australia’s animals went, “well, fucking everything else here is poisonous, we may as well be too.”
Sure, it’s an amazing looking place, the people are great, and the food is awesome, but if you don’t like insects bigger than your head and tiny octopi that can kill you if you look at them funny, it might not be the place for you to go vacation in the great outdoors. Just…fly into Sydney and quickly dart from building to building if you do decide to go. You should be able to avoid the giant, child-abducting dragonflies that way.
Syria has both sun and sand, but it’s not the beach you’re looking for. Nestled in the least stable region of the world’s least stable region, Syria has no less than 1000 different groups vying for control of it. Its future is less certain than the 2016 presidential field. The largest of the aforementioned groups of /terrorists/freedom fighters/whatever we’re calling them for geopolitical expediency is ISIS. If you’ve been living under a rock, they’re fucking scary, and they don’t like fun. I don’t mean they don’t like fun as a concept, I mean they hunt it down and set it on fire, probably publicly. When the Al Qaeda thinks you’re too extreme, maybe you should chill out a bit, watch some porn and rethink this whole “global jihad” thing.
In any case, it’s not a place you want to go to try and catch the mediterranean sun right now. The food is probably in rough shape with the active civil war, there’s technically no government in two thirds of the country right now and “No booze, no women, no joy” doesn’t exactly make for a catchy vacation advertisement flyer, now does it?
If you’ve ever wanted to vacation in the real-world equivalent of Springfield from The Simpsons, China is your destination of choice. You can take your pick of beautiful toxic water, smog filled skies or cities so crowded that the concept of personal space has long since been vacated as something only found in fantasy novels and brothels where you pay top dollar for that shit. I assume China has a lot of those, because it’s so much of a sausage fest that Oscar Meyer should consider moving their headquarters there. Thanks to China’s one child policy, you’re going to want to look elsewhere for vacation if you love the ladies from Asia. Their society’s gender ratio is so skewed that over half of our generation’s guys in China are expected to die virgins. Mission accomplished, Chinese communist party?
So pollution? Check. Sausage fest? Check. Lack of anything edible or drinkable? Check. Sounds like formal for the worst fraternity on every campus, but as a country, and forever.
Yes, you can actually vacation in Best Korea, as they think of themselves. Not a whole lot is known about the inner workings of North Korea because it’s literally a fortress nation behind a giant mine field. Bond villains cream their pants over the thought of countries like North Korea. Taking The Interview as a factual study of the country, I can only assume it’s full of brainwashed people that view President Short-Round as a living god. I don’t know about you, but that doesn’t sound like a fun vacation to me, and in North Korea, if you don’t have fun, it’s a capital offense punishable by spending the rest of your vacation in a Happy Communist Work Camp (trademarked by the North Korean government).
If you’d like to go, you can pay China to smuggle you in and give you the grand tour, but I wouldn’t recommend it, unless you’re going there to reenact The Interview.