This Bro Is Having The Worst Train Ride Of His Life At This Very Moment

cucumber suck


A friend of mine is on an Amtrack train bound for Washington, DC right now. He was in the cafe car, trying to get work done, when a woman sits down across from him in the booth.

After settling in, I’m told, the woman who “looks like Great Gam Gam from Beerfest” pulls her food from her lunch bag. She takes out a yogurt and a wrapped cucumber. She proceeds to peel the cucumber’s plastic covering and eat it as if it were a banana or A FOOD YOU’D EAT IN SUCH A WAY. I’m a sucker for cukes as much as the next fella but I like to put them in salad, or at the very least, fucking peel them like a human.

After going down on the dick-shaped veggie like an AVN award winner, the woman dressed as The Hobbit moved on to her yogurt. After scraping up most of the Greek treat with a spoon, she used her fingers to capture the remaining streaks and sucked them off her fingers.

This is how Ebola happens people. This.

“I wish if I’d known we’d be late I would have packed a whole salad instead of grabbing a cucumber” she told my friend, which is totally understandable, I’ve been late for trains and grabbed entire cows instead of making a burger.

The following is a reenactment of the rest of lunch.