Witness All 13 Glorious Goals Scored By The USWNT In The Most Dominating Game Ever Played

Alex Morgan World Cup France 2019

Getty Image / Molly Darlington - AMA/

The USWNT played their first game of the 2019 Women’s World Cup on Tuesday. They had to wait almost a week from the start of the tournament before they played their first game and that can do some interesting things to the nerves.

It could’ve gone two ways: the players came out shaky and stressed because they’d been stuck waiting for days before playing the game they’d been training to play for years. Or they could come out and absolutely demolish the other team because the USWNT is the most dominant force in women’s soccer history and they have that legacy to live up to.

I’m sure by now, you know what happened. The USWNT broke records yesterday in their 13-0 win over Thailand and we’ve got all 13 glorious goals below.

Alex Morgan tied the record for the most goals ever scored (by one player) in a World Cup game with 5. In case you were wondering, the term to refer to a player scoring 5 goals in a game is called a ‘glut’. It’s a hattrick + a brace. The USWNT broke the record for the most goals ever scored in a game…But the record was for TWO teams and it was previously at 12 goals (so one team scores 7 and the other scores 5, etc). They scored ALL THIRTEEN on their own and broke that record.

A lot of dipshits took issue with the team celebrating their 10th, 11th, 12th, and 13th goals emphatically like these ladies haven’t been training every single day for years all leading up to this one moment of glory. They deserved every second of celebration and anyone who says otherwise is nothing more than a pundit who needs to say something but has nothing of value to say.

Here’s a look at all 13 goals scored by the USWNT against Thailand. For reference, the team was a 5-goal favorite going into the game and the over for the game was set at 5.5:


The one thing that cracked me up was how the referees decided to add three minutes of stoppage time to the end of the game. They could’ve just blown the whistle at 90-minutes but they stretched it out to 93-minutes and the USWNT managed to put another one in the back of the net in extra time.

Why was there stoppage time added on? Well, there weren’t any injuries so it must’ve been because the USWNT spent so much time running back to midfield each time the game had to be restarted. They literally slowed the game down by scoring so frequently that the refs had to tack on extra time to account for their goal celebrations which is fucking amazing.

The Canadian broadcast crew called the USWNT’s behavior ‘classless’ which is ripe coming days after Raptors fans booed KD’s injury. But I’ll take a second to address this, I guess. If the USWNT took their foot off the gas pedal and let the clock run out it would’ve been humiliating for the Thai team.

You show respect to a team by playing hard against them. The ultimate sign of disrespect would’ve been to stop playing hard. Like a game of pool basketball against your older brother who just stands in front of the net and dunks your head in water any time you try and score so you’re left floating miserably in the pool aware that you cannot do anything to put the ball in the net.

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Could they have toned back the celebrations? Sure. Should they have? Fuck no. They’ve trained every day for years leading up to this moment and each one of them deserved their celebration. The USWNT scored more goals in one game than the USMNT has in the past three World Cups combined. That’s something to celebrate.