If you ever join a new organization or team and they don’t haze you in some capacity, run away. It means they’re not fun or don’t get along well. Hazing makes the world go round. Sure, there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed, but those lines at least have to be tested. You can’t not mess with the new guy a little bit. I’m not saying that you should be forcing rookies to slurp hot sauce out of another rookie’s dick hole, but there’s no harm in maybe stealing his notebook for an hour and drawing penises in it.
It seems like the Astros have joined my side of the fence as they decided to haze their new rookie, Tyler White, by sticking his car in the outfield during batting practice. This is big for two reasons 1) It makes people talk about the Astros and 2) Fuck this dude’s car.
“But around 11:15 a.m. on Saturday, the rookie infielder’s shiny white Range Rover was on full display, having been driven around the circumference of the warning track at Minute Maid Park and finding its final resting place on the center field track, directly in front of Tal’s Hill.
There it sat, alone, for more than an hour, with only a smattering of A’s players jogging by it as they went through their morning workout routine.
Then, a couple hours before the 3:10 CT scheduled first pitch, Astros players began to trickle onto the field for optional batting practice. White, tipped off by teammates that there was something he needed to tend to on the field, came walking out in shorts and a T-shirt, sipping a bottle of water, seemingly wondering why everyone was looking at him and laughing.
Then White turned his attention toward the outfield, where 400 feet away sat his shiny white Range Rover.”
Man, fuck your Range Rover. You’re a professional athlete now. A Range Rover is way too inexpensive of a car to for you to be driving. You have to buy some sort of sports car that you can’t afford. It’s the only logical conclusion here. If I were your teammates, I would have set that badboy up at second base and have the whole team practice their pop flys into your sunroof. “Oh, my bad, I ‘missed’. I’m sure that dent will come out with a little elbow grease. Or, you know, maybe you can buy a car that shows women you fuck instead of that you enjoy going off-roading like some sort of high school adrenaline junkie. Sure, these dudes were just messing around with you, but also, take a hint. Hazing can be bad, but it can also be good. This was good. Take notes, White. Take good notes on good things.