Can Someone Explain To Me Why Carlos Beltran Looks Like He Was Baptized In The BP Oil Spill?

Welp, I think it’s safe to say that Carlos Beltran doesn’t have one friend. He must surround himself exclusively with YES men because if he had one person in his life who would level with him, he wouldn’t have showed up to the ballpark looking like he got baptized in the Gulf of Mexico in 2010. Jesus Christ bro, 3-year, $45 million and you can’t even spring for hair plugs? Your head is shinier and faker than Joan Rivers KY wrestling Lil Kim. Carlos, buddy, bring it in. A little closer. No, not that close, the paint fumes are intoxicating. Ya, right there. Losing your hair is like losing your virginity–once it’s gone, you can’t get it back. Unless you’re Russell Wilson. But for the rest of us, there’s no going back. Using a Sharpie to salvage your old self is like dusting off your high school letterman jacket even after you’ve outgrown it. Go buy a motorcycle or rent out a Dave and Busters because this isn’t an acceptable way to deal with a mid-life crisis. So go home, hop in the shower, and use some heavy duty shampoo paint thinner to right your wrong and wash away your sins. I’m fucking embarrassed for you.

Carlos Boozer over here like “dude DOPE lineup, who’s your guy?”

Matt Keohan Avatar
Matt’s love of writing was born during a sixth grade assembly when it was announced that his essay titled “Why Drugs Are Bad” had taken first prize in D.A.R.E.’s grade-wide contest. The anti-drug people gave him a $50 savings bond for his brave contribution to crime-fighting, and upon the bond’s maturity 10 years later, he used it to buy his very first bag of marijuana.